whipped cream - NOT a dirty post

So when a girl is single in NYC (oh god how Carrie Bradshaw is that statement!), she learns very quickly that the tried and true cure to heartache - ice cream - must have a substitute. After all, too much ice cream will simply ensure that there won't be even the opportunity for heartache in the future. Very important to find a low-calorie alternative.

behold cool whip in a can!! 5 calories per serving (about 200 per can) and the same glutonous effect.

I have to admit: it's on my shopping list more weeks than not. Very sad. Also very yummy.

I will know when I have found someone worth loving when he removes all whipped cream cravings from me. Until then, I am considering buying stock - that way I can consider my indulgence an investment.

and the WORST date award goes to...

so it's no secret I do the online dating thing; I mean, who doesn't? It serves up a really interesting bunch of people and some of the craziest experiences of my life. Very entertaining stuff. Also, if you read this blog, you know i have HARD SET rules about who I talk to and who I go out with. I developed these rules for a reason.

This week I broke them. And I realized how smart I am haha.

So this guy starts talking to me online. He seems GREAT! We have so much in common - I won't reveal too much about him because that would be cruel. But all of my crazy, strange interests are HIS too. One of my favorite books - which no one has ever heard of - is one of his. BUT...he has only one picture and it's blurry and ONLY of the face. Bad bad bad. But then he asked me to karaoke at my favorite place. Too much - can't resist - have to break the rules and go.

He shows up - omg. Cable knit sweater, icky haircut, Urkle glasses. AWFUL. We go inside. I'm kind of a VIP in this place so immediately the manager comes over and hugs me and all the regulars are greeting me. They immediately hand me the mic and ask what I wanna sing; the Boy looks at me with PANIC in his eyes. "can't we get a room? I can't sing in front of all these people." WHAT?! There are 10 people in the room. They're fun. They're my friends. But away we go to a secluded room by ourselves.

"ok, i have a lot to get off my chest. through song" He says. Then he sings UNCHAINED MELODY. Really. not lying. That was his first song. He didn't even let me go first and I paid for the room! And...well, he CANT sing. At all. And he "disguises" this by screaming words loudly. He's also dancing awkwardly....really awkwardly....

Then i get up to sing. My Alanis. My awesome girl rock. HE SINGS OVER ME! DURING MY SONG. He's literally out-screaming me. WTF?! I don't know how many of you sing karaoke but I'm very serious about it. And the NUMBER ONE rule is: you do NOT attempt to hijack another's singer's moment.

I quickly discover the only way to keep him from singing my songs is to sing obscure Broadway songs. So I do. And I don't give a shit. And he keeps choosing TERRIBLE songs and singing them badly. Meanwhile, I am knockin back shots of Sake like it's my job because it's the only way to keep going. And the sad thing is: I actually think HE thought it was going well because I was smiling so much (as I was holding back laughter). When the hour on our room was finally up (and I counted down every minute), he wanted to do ANOTHER hour and then get something to eat! I felt bad for the guy, but that's certainly no reason to continue a bad date.

So I got rid of him. And then JoBeth met me and we salvaged the evening by doing awesome karaoke at a different place hahaha.

Strippers

So I saw Rock of Ages on Broadway for the second time the other night. As previously mentioned, I'm under a contractual obligation not to discuss my opinions on shows online. However, I think it's pretty obvious that if I went twice, I must have enjoyed it the first time. And that's all I will say about that.

Any show you watch a second time, you have more of an opportunity to muse about because you already know what's happening. So I got to thinking: most of the women in the cast spend the show scantily clad, dancing on stripper poles. They are "playing" strippers. But what, really, is the difference between an actress and a stripper?? Most strippers ARE looking for a "legit" career in the arts. And most women with a "legit" career in the arts really enjoy playing strippers. Why? Because somehow there's no shame in PLAYING a stripper, especially if you are "really" a Broadway actress.

The women on that stage dress in lingerie, strip, and pole dance. And they get a paycheck for it. How is that not the same as stripping? Is it because it serves a plotline? Because they sing also? Or just because we, as a society, choose to stigmatize certain occupations and glorify other ones?

I tend to think it's the latter.

And, honestly, I don't really have a PROBLEM with strippers. If that's what you want to do and it pays the bills, it's really not my problem. But it's a little effed up to be disrespected generally for that decision where the broadway strippers are idolized. I really don't see a difference between the two.

therapy doesn't work

so i'm paying out of my ass for all this therapy to make myself a more...i dunno...happy? person.

it's not working.

See, I get to this place where I can notice all this repeating destructive patterns in my life, only I'm not STOPPING them. I keep doing the same stupid thing over and over. The difference now is that i can see how it's the same mistake again. So in addition to feeling shitty, I also feel STUPID.

that's all therapy really does.

i think it's better to be ignorant about your own behavior. yup. just DO it and don't think about it and you will be fine. All this "enlightenment" bullshit is a waste of time.

Tarheel Born, Tarheel Bred

So I'm back in NC this weekend, staying in a college apartment, walking around campus, hanging out at my college theater....and feeling very OLD.

I feel like my face wrinkles with every step I take on that campus, no matter how relaxed I am attempting to make it look. I half expect there to be a forcefield around the campus perimeter that keeps me out every time I try to get through. Forcefield says "Nope, sorry, you've moved on so DONT COME BACK"

I know I'm being silly. I don't actually think I look any different than I did as a freshman. And I used to make fun of my friends who had graduated and then complained about how "old" they were. They seemed young enough to me. To me, it seemed as if nothing were really different. But they felt it. And now I do too.

This whole town is so familiar, yet so far away. My body knows the paths and the sights so well, I don't even have to look. But when I do, I notice small subtle changes that break my heart. The world is changing without my noticing because I"M NOT HERE.

And I don't want to be, obviously. I love NYC and I'm doing great there. It took a long time for it to feel like home and I'm not leaving anytime soon. But as Reese Witherspoon said in that movies, "I come down here, and this fits too." Only it fits like something that was in the dryer too long. It's the same sweater as always, on the same body as always, but it's just a little more uncomfortable than the last time i put it on.

and that's NC to me.

MAD

I'm mad that men think it's ok to wake a woman from her sleep by beating her mercilessly

I'm mad that everyone comments about how "deserving" a woman is of a beating, even if they are saying she is UNdeserving. Any comment about MERIT is a step in the wrong direction.

I'm mad that love fucks with our heads so much we cannot even protect ourselves from its harmful side effects

I'm mad that the "rescuers" of an abused woman are big, burly, rude men with guns that we call cops.

I'm mad that economics contributes to violence.

I'm mad that ANYONE is concerned about keeping violence quiet at the risk of "worrying" other people. No one should EVER be silent about violence.

I'm mad that injuries are kept hidden under turtlenecks and sleeves and excuses when the whole world SHOULD be forced to witness what happens on a daily basis to women around the world.

I'm mad that women are brought up believing any attack was provoked by their bad behavior

I'm mad that men who don't beat women call men who do COWARDS instead of criminals. Coward is only an insult that belittles a man's masculinity, the assertion of which was the problem to begin with.

I'm mad that I can't take all survivors of abuse/rape/oppression to an island free from such things where we can heal and grow and love and trust



EVERY DAY that we see a woman beaten or raped is a day we FAIL as a human race. Which means that we have not succeeded ONE day of our existence as a species.
And that makes me MAD.

about STRAWS

So this is a New York thing...well, maybe it's more broad than that, but it's CERTAINLY not a NC thing and that's my comparison.

Every time I buy a bottle or can of some drink, I am given a straw. It used to be that I didn't take much notice but I mentioned it to someone at work and she was AMAZED that I would question such a thing. She explained that one day, her husband caught her drinking straight from a can and he smacked the can out of her hand.

Everyone agreed that I was the weird one for NOT using a straw with a can. As they see it, there are countless germs on the top of a can of soda. If you put your mouth on these germs, you are crazy. That's what the straw is for.

Ok, I'm with you. BUT...did you ever realize that the germs you are so scared of are on the tab of the drink...the tab that you push INTO the drink?

Additionally, let's be real about something: there are germs ALL over the can. Not just on the lip. And your HAND is on that can. Do you wash your hands right after touching the can? The money you paid for the can with? Money is horribly dirty. So is that can (at least according to you). And all those germs are on your hands. Now what? You rub your eyes. Eat some french fries. Bite your fingernails.

People only really wash their hands after using the bathroom. SOMETIMES before they eat. But honestly, even people who wash their hands before they eat actually only wash them before a MEAL. And meals are generally eaten with utensils. Nobody washes their hands before snacking and snacking is usually done with hands.

I'm not suggesting we all bathe in germs, but let's have a little perspective. The straw is NOT doing anything. And for that matter, neither does RINSING fruit. I will never understand why people rinse fruit under water for 10 seconds before eating it. It does NOTHING. I promise.

dating by TYPE

So everyone has a type, right? Physical stuff aside, we are all of us attracted (generally) to one type of person. Does that mean we are destined to date the same man over and over again? In my experience, yes.

A friend of mine recently started seeing someone she is surprised by, to say the least. He is not her type. At all. She is enamored by him, but totally out of her comfort zone and constantly wishing he were more like what she's used to. Does this make sense? I mean, all people are comfortable with the familiar but obviously there was something wrong with that "type" or he would have worked out the first time.

This is what I'm working on with my therapist. All of my relationships are shockingly similar. Now, if you line these men up, you would not necessarily see the similarities. The looks are different enough, though there are some similarities across the board. The personalities are seemingly different, though not underneath. If you lined the relationships up against each other, you would see NO difference. Same situation, over and over again.

Damn.

the Date that wasn't

So tonight I had a date. Or I was supposed to have a date. Great guy - short but talented and we all know talent trumps tallness. I worked all day until 10pm and we were going to meet in Union Square at 10:15. I was early (as always). Standing on a corner. No guy. No text. No call. and NO, I was most certainly not stood up. But at 10:25 I texted him and said 'you're late. im tired. im leaving.' And I did. See, here's the thing about lateness: it is ALWAYS a choice. Always. If Ed McMahon had called him up and said "guy, I have a million dollar check waiting for you in Union Square. There's a catch. If you aren't here by 10:15pm, you don't get the million dollars" do you think he would have been late? NO. He would have been 2 hours early.

And I'm not saying I'm worth a million dollars. I'm not. Probably. The point is, there are a lot of things that can go in that blank and still work. A number of things in this world are VERY much worth being on time for. What you are saying to me if you are late is that I am not one of those things. I am not worth being on time for. And if I am not worth being on time for, YOU are not worth waiting for. Doesn't that seem fair?

But the world does not agree. Somehow, you are seen as being a bitch if you don't wait for someone. Yeah, he drove into the city from NJ. I don't care. I worked a 10 hour shift. He got lost. I don't care. He should have been more responsible. If the million dollars was waiting, he wouldn't have gotten lost. OR he would have left enough time for getting lost (or stuck in traffic or whatever).

Additionally, in this era of technology, WHY on earth would you not call/text someone if you are going to be even 1 minute late? Seems easy enough.

Here's the other thing about TIME that some people do not understand. There is really no such thing as being on time. ON time exists only for 1 second. All the seconds before zero hour (let's say 10:15:00pm) are "early" and all the seconds after are "late." SO you should never strive to be ON TIME because it's nearly impossible to fit inside that one second window. That means your choices are EARLY or LATE.

Fuck the excuses. Traffic, trains, alarms not going off......if it was important enough, YOU WOULD BE ON TIME.

And I should be important enough.

Oh, and just to be clear: He called me at 10:50pm and said "I'm here. Where are you?" He totally expected me to wait on a NYC street corner for 35 minutes. WTF. NO!!!!!

stop fucking with my home

Ok so I have to say this whole NYC dating thing is getting annoying. I never had this problem in NC, but maybe that's because I lived mostly in dorm rooms.

WHY do men think that "make yourself at home" means it literally?? And for the record, I've never ACTUALLY said that phrase to anyone because the truth is that I don't WANT people to make themselves at home in my home. It's MY home. You see?

So if you're into energy conservation, great. Turn all your appliances off in YOUR home. Don't run around MY home turning off my fan (which i have to leave on because otherwise my apt gets way too hot and stuffy) or my lamp (which i have to leave on cuz otherwise my cats sleep all day and stay up all night. bad for me).

If you like to put your feet up on your couch, FINE. But see, in MY house when we are sitting on MY couch, there isn't room for your feet. And that DOESN'T mean they belong on my lap. FUCK NO.

If there is a special show you watch at 11pm each night, awesome. Watch it in YOUR house. In my house, we watch Daily Show at 11pm. DO NOT take my fucking remote. You will lose a hand. And probably your testicles.

And if you like to sleep until 2pm, by all means, stay in YOUR bed until 2pm. In my life, I never have the opportunity to sleep past 10am, so guess what? Your ass is leaving by 10am. And PLEASE don't act like a child when I wake you up. You could have left last night. I, personally, would have preferred that. You wanna stay the night? Play by my rules!

OHH, and one more thing: the temperature in my apartment, insomuch as i CAN control it, will be what makes ME comfortable. You are the guest. YOU adjust.

all of this probably explains why I am currently single, but truthfully I'd MUCH rather be single than constantly compromising with a douchebag who really has no right to stake claims on my space.

My super special customers

So I love my job. Really I do. And I just got a promotion with a 30% raise so yay.

Since I come from a bridal shop, you'd think I would be used to dealing with irrational customers. And I am. But also not. Because that's annoying. Brides have their own special quirks but you can sort of forgive them since deep down you feel like it MIGHT be you some day acting completely stupid and thinking you're the center of the Universe.

The customers in the store I currently work at have NO excuse. They are not special. So, before I continue, I should just explain the kind of store I work at. It's a specialty shop - you can't come in looking for something specific. You certainly won't find anything you "need." We have fish staplers, sumo wrestler keychains, rainbow toasters, watering can purses and such stuff like that. It's kooky. It's fun.

I CONSTANTLY have people walk into the store and DEMAND in loud and very pushy voices
"I need a gift for a boy. 7. whatdya got?"
"I've got a baby shower coming up and I want something cool. But I don't want to spend more than $5"
"do you have backpacks? I need a backpack. Why don't you carry backpacks? That's so stupid"
"You used to have tissue box covers. I don't see them. Why would you discontinue something like that? I NEED ONE!"

Chill out! It's not that urgent! Have some fun. That's what the store is for. None of this is life or death. THEY ARE FISH STAPLERS AND KITTY UMBRELLAS! If we have them, don't have them, or price them too expensive for your budget, WHO CARES? SERIOUSLY? They're just silly knick knacks.

MY GOD. People say I'm high strung but honestly! The whole damn city of new york is off-the-charts crazy.

My Dumbass Apartment

Okkkkkkk. So life is hard at the moment, big surprise. I'm in school full time, working full time, writing a thesis, and i have a baby kitty who WILL NOT let me sleep. Ever. Love him, but GAWD. Oh, right, and I'm still attempting to have a social life. I think it was actually easier when I was in that infamous relationship but i might be getting ahead of myself ;)

SO. This apartment. Which I JUST agreed to pay MORE for because despite all its problems, I love it. Or i did. Let me tell you what happened. It's one of these really-not-a-big-deal-but-sometimes-the-littlest-things-are-the-biggest-deals kind of things.

I come home from a long day of classes AND work yesterday. I have 2 sets of lyrics that I have PROMISED to get to Joel by the time he gets home at midnight. It's 10:20pm and I'm exhausted. I already want to cry because I'm just so damn tired and all I really want is someone to greet me at the door with a glass of wine but I know what is really waiting for me are 2 attention-deprived cats and cold leftovers. And my work.

Well, I walk in the door and all the lights are off. They won't turn on. I mess with the breaker. NOTHING. The whole place is without power. REALLY? Really, God? Really, world? REALLY, expensive apartment that I profess to love? REEEEEEEEALLLLLLLLY?

So i go down to security to beg some help as the minutes to my deadline tick away and the tears build up behind my eyes. The maintenance guy can't fix it. He has to call an electrician. Meantime, all my food has gone bad. ALL of my food. Those cold leftovers don't sound so bad now that I actually can't have them. And my attention deprived kitties are locked in the bedroom so they don't escape the apartment because the door has to be open to let in the hallway light. And they are scratching and crying, but I don't think anyone could hear them above my own crying which had reached FULL force by this time.

It's one of those moments that Carrie Bradshaw occassionally has when I really wished I was married. Then someone else could just HANDLE things. Life is a little much to handle on your own sometimes.

But I set up a workstation in the hallway. My infamous blue chair and blue fuzzy pillow provided the comfort and familiarity I wanted and I plugged my laptop into the hall outlet. The electrician LAUGHED at me when he came out of the elevator after fixing it all up. I was quite a site, I think.

Oh, and once the lights were turned on I saw that my cat puked INSIDE my shoes. not on them or around them. IN them. fun.

Can a girl get a little sleep? Really?

Politicians who Tweet

Ok, so I'm not on Twitter and I don't anticipate joining anytime soon but as evidenced by this blog and my super active facebook account, you can correctly assume I'm not really against the movement. (Yes, I will call it a movement). HOWEVER, there are certain people who should never, ever use Twitter.

First, celebrities should really cool it. I mean, for some of them - aka the untalented ones - I understand that it's the easier version of going to clubs and making reality shows. Their tweets frequently make the news and that keeps their names known. Ok. Fine. If you have no talent, you have to rely on things like that. But other celebs who HAVE talent should realize that in spite of their talent, they don't usually have a lot of intelligence. And that becomes evident when their thoughts are broadcast. PLEASE. Keep the mystery. It is glamorous. It's sooooo much better to be an actor. Your fans, despite appearances to the contrary, actually do not want to know you as a person. Because as a person, you are simply dumb, shallow, and annoying. As an actor, you are fabulous. Get what I mean? Only say the lines that are written for you.

MORE IMPORTANTLY - politicians should NOT be allowed to Twitter. Particularly during Congressional sessions, speeches, etc. If a kid sat in class and tweeted about what an idiot the teacher is during her lecture, their phone would be taken and they would be reprimanded for disrespect. So WHY is it ok for pols to do this? Their tweets are making a mockery of our entire political system. All of their positions ought to be articulately, clearly communicated in appropriate forums.

I REFUSE to vote for any politician who tweets. This is my new political position. And I'm TOTALLY serious about it. At this point in time, we can all agree that politicians NEVER accomplish what they promise. So campaigning is pointless. I care more what KIND of person you are. And the kind of person who would tweet during important debates, events, etc is NOT the kind of person I want representing me. Because I would never do that. Ever.

Groping

What is the recourse for groping? Like seriously what are my legal rights once someone chooses to grope me? Am I within my rites to punch him in the face? Because I OUGHT TO BE! I am completely sick of men thinking they can grab my ass whenever they like. Yeah, ok, it's large and it's out there but HANDS OFF! seriously! And there's so little to do about it. Actually, there is nothing.

I mean, I suppose I could call the cops to report harassment; by the time the 911 operator bothered to pick up the phone, the perp would be long gone and it's not as if an investigation would be (or should be) launched to find him. And suppose the guy HAPPENED to hang around long enough for the cops to come, or by some chance lost his wallet or something so I could ID him, it's still my word against his.

SOOOO let's just say that some creepballer grabs my ass. Then he IMMEDIATELY feels extremely remorseful so he waits around for me to bother the cops and make them come down and he ADMITS his total, complete guilt. What then? Like what is the punishment? He obviously won't (nor should) go to jail. I can't imagine there's a fine for that sort of thing and if there is, that's dumb. The city shouldn't get money, I SHOULD. but then that makes me a sort of prostitute, so maybe not. So what? Community service? a citation?

I guess what I'm saying is that I cannot think of an appropriate legal punishment for groping and TO ME (if you're different, no biggie), it's not a big enough deal to bother the authorities with. I really do think the MOST appropriate thing is for me to punch him. Honestly. Seems like a good trade off. Why doesn't the law work that way? Cuz the truth is, if I punch him, he COULD (and likely would since a groper is always a douchebag) call the cops and I COULD get arrested for battery or whatever. thus, I don't.

But I have been groped MULTIPLE times in the last couple of weeks - not totally sure why. In my whole year in NYC, this has not been a problem. I used to get groped in CH all the time, but that's typical on a frat-tastic campus. What's up with end-of-summer that men choose to grab me ON THE STREETS (not even in a bar situation) and keep walking? And I shout after them like it makes a difference, wishing I had the ability to punch them. because THEN my anger would have an outlet. And he would feel the same level of violation as me. Eye for an eye is not the best way to approach the law, generally speaking, but in this case I like the sound of it.

About MANAGERS

Ok, people say the Office is so popular because all bosses are like Michael Scott. I don't really know about that because I have never worked in that kind of environment. I HAVE worked lots of pool and retail jobs. And I will tell you that all managers are the same. And it's INCREDIBLE how dumb they are.

Scheduling is easy. Like, REALLY easy. Hours have so many days. People have so much availability. Simple puzzle. Simple math. WHY do managers act like it is the most difficult thing in the world. I have managed large staffs. I have directed VERY large casts. It's funny - a lot of college directors refuse to cast actors with conflicts. I don't care how many conflicts you have; I'll work around you.

Product knowledge can ONLY be acquired over time. Trying to shove it in people's heads in 2 hours is dumb. Now, understand, it isn't "overwhelming" or "discouraging." To say this is patronizing. It simply will take more than once through to absorb everything. And honestly, I'd probably learn it better without you.

STOP ASKING ME IF THIS IS FUN. It's not that it isn't. I like working. It's that it is unimportant. As long as I have a good attitude and natural ability, why do you care if I'm slitting my wrists in the bathroom?

The truth is, the reason that these rather dumb, sad individuals become store managers is because the job is EVERYTHING to them. It IS fun. And it WAS super hard for them to learn the products so they are REALLY excited to teach it to others because they are so proud. Good for them. They all seem very happy. But MOST of us, even if we like our job and our coworkers, would rather be somewhere else during our work hours. We go to work because we HAVE to. Given the choice, we'd rather be out with friends. Or sleeping. Or watching tv.

blah. BUT I do think this job will stick. So yay for the replenishment of my fun fund. And goodbye to my summer of awesomeness.

Performance Art

Oh lord. So...after knowing nothing for real about the world of performance art except what you see on tv (which is largely just a farcical representation), I spent an evening trying to get into this modern theatrical bullshit. Obviously, I am unconverted.

Jason takes me to this studio in Brooklyn - no shoes allowed and everyone sits on the floor - and watch a bunch of people who probably never got cast in high school crawl around the floor in their leotards and pretend that the words they are saying are meaningful.

1. Leotards are unflattering. They make women look like children and men look....well, i will just say if you've got nothing to flaunt, PLEASE don't. I mean really. You make me sit on the floor. So I am eye level with your crotch. And if what you've got amounts to a baby carrot, maybe you should consider pants. Just maybe. And ladies - cover the nipples. Really. NuBra makes petals for a reason.

2. Spaz attacks are not art. They never will be. And your willingness to have several onstage does not make you an artist. It makes you silly.

3. Repetition is also not art. Something is not significant merely because you choose to repeat it in different voices a hundred times over.

4. If you insist on forcing your audience to participate, you must be prepared for the fact that some of us (*cough cough ME*) will simply want to embarrass you. Isn't that what your art is about? The TRUTH about humanity? You being utterly HUMAN in front of us and forcing us to face the hard truth about ourselves? Well the truth about me is I want to humiliate you because I think you are foolish anyhow.

To elaborate on #4, this chick asks us before the show to write down our fantasies for her to act out. She lists her skills, costumes, and props and we are supposed to fill out a madlibs type thing. Now, given the rest of her act, she is obviously hoping to act out people's sexual fantasies. But that was unspecified. And I like to make my own rules.

And she picked me. I didn't volunteer.

So I read my fantasy: I want Rebecca to recite Lady MacBeth's Unsex me Here speech while demonstrating her flexibility wearing fake teeth and holding a gun.

Hahahahahaha. I laugh just thinking about this. The poor girl - i really do feel a little bad - stands on one leg with the other behind her head trying to recite Shakespeare with these giant fake teeth that keep falling out of her mouth. Plus she's holding a gun. For no real reason but at least it gave her some balance. I hope. And she takes herself so seriously!! She really does! And everyone is trying not to laugh (except me cuz I can't help it) but it's so funny watching her try to annunciate the Bard with these vampire teeth. And her spit is flying. And she's stumbling.

And I am a bitch. but at least for those 5 minutes, I was entertained.

Go Hilary

Am I the only one who thinks Hillary is AWESOME for going off on that woman? I applaude you, Hil. I don't really care if the question was messed up in translation - blame the translator, then. Same rant applies to her. I love Bill but HILLARY is the secretary of state. She's right. Her husband's opinion doesn't matter any more than hers did when he was prez. I can't ever recall anyone asking HIM what SHE thought.

In other news, some chick wrote a book about her affair with Bernie Madoff. It's supposed to be scandalous? How? I could have told you that he cheated on his wife and had a small penis. Anyone could have. WHO finds this surprising?? Like really? Who? Because that person knows NOTHING about people.

Commercials

Now, everyone hates commercials so it's kind of dumb to complain about them. But it really irks me when commercials defy logic. How hard is it to make a 15 second thing logical?? I mean, really! You can't be logical for 15 seconds?

1. there's a security system commercial. I don't know exactly what brand. But a mom is playing outside with her daughter. A creepster peeks in on them. They go in the house and turn on the security system. The creepster comes in, hears the alarm, and leaves as the security guys call the house to see if everyone is ok.

So here are the major gaps in logic:
the creepster is much more likely to attack OUTSIDE. After all, there is a fence to hide his deeds from the neighbors. And it would be much easier to catch them off guard outside. If they own a gun, it's not going to be outside. Nor are the kitchen knives. Or telephones.
NO ONE turns on a security system when coming inside for a drink of water in the middle of the afternoon. People use them at night. Some people use them every time they are out of the house. But NO ONE hits that button every single time they walk in the door. That's dumb.
The dumbest thing to do if a creepster enters the house is run upstairs. You are trapping yourself.
NO ONE stops to enter the phone when they are in danger. They might pick it up to call 911. But if you are running away from a creepster, you don't stop to answer a PHONE.

2. The new Activia commerical. This woman sits down and complains about constipation. Her friend tells her to take Activia. She says her occassional irregularity is "not that serious" and says she doesn't need to take such drastic measures. The friend encourages her to try it because even occassional irregularity is a problem.

the gaps in logic:
ACTIVIA IS YOGURT. YOGURT. It is not a treatment option or a medicine. IT IS A YOGURT. So why portray it as a medicine? It's a yogurt with good bacteria. Yippy. The girl NOT WANTING to eat the yogurt because her condition is NOT THAT BAD makes it seem like this is an unpleasant thing and should only be taken IF you are irregular. Well. It is yogurt. It is yummy. And it happens to be good for your insides. Why not market it to people as a yummy, healthy food? Seems to me like that's a better idea.

and there are many others. but im too tired to rant any longer.

MY WOMANIFESTO

If you are a woman and you haven't read the book CUNT by Inga Muscio, listen up: put down WHATEVER you are doing, call in sick to work, get some caffeine and READ IT. It is probably the most important thing you will ever read. I make sure to read it at least once every six months. Every time I do, I find passages that hit me as they didn't before.

In the book, Inga gives her Womanifesto and insists that all women do the same. I never have before. I always decide I need to think about it more, work on it for a long time. But as a writer, i know there is an endless opportunity for rewrite. Soooo...this is unpolished and we will call it DRAFT 1.

I need to write this today because I am TIRED of being groped on the streets with no recourse. I am TIRED of being leered at. I am TIRED of having men whisper all kinds of disgusting things to me as I pass them on the street.

WOMANIFESTO, Lori style

I will love my goddess body every day whether I am bloated, fat, bleeding, or broken out because of the amazing things it can do

I will not tolerate anyone touching my goddess body without asking for AND receiving permission

I will wear whatever shoes I choose; heels if I want even though men think I am already too tall, flats if I want because I do not need to be in pain to be beautiful, and no shoes at all if there is something I want to wiggle my toes in

I will wear my hair exactly as I want. I will only comb it on days that I feel so inclined. I will only style it on days when I feel so inclined. It will always look fabulous.

I will not allow any man to make decisions for me. I will not allow my jealousy for any woman to drive me.

All of my artistic and personal endeavors will be done with idea of glorifying all goddesses everywhere.

I have the right to tell one man to ravish me and another to slow down; to stay all night in the arms of one man and leave another as soon as I am satisfied.

I can love my independence and crave companionship simultaneously.

I can refuse to remain in ANY room, ANY situation, and with ANY person that does not respect cunts and cuntlovers

NO man will ever complete me as I am a whole and complete and wonderful individual; however, I will search for someone who can enhance my life and balance my spirit.

I will enjoy the cycle of my body and allow myself to feel as I feel. I will not apologize for PMS, I will not be embarrassed to bleed, I will not hide my arousal or lack thereof. And I will never ever again fake that fantastic moment that men have little interest in actually bringing about.

If you do not satisfy me, I will show you how. If you are uninterested, you are unworthy.

I will never stop fighting for the safety of my kind; never stop yelling about the ATROCITY of rape and the miracle of cuntloving men.

I will never allow a man to convince me a condom is restrictive, because even STDs have a chauvinist tendency. And any man who can't wear a condom does not have the ability to please me in any way whatsoever. And never did ;)

I accept that I am attracted to men and fascinated by women; I can appreciate the feel of a cock and the beauty of a cunt.

I will never say no when I mean yes as that inevitably leads to the repulsive rape of another goddess. When I say no, I will mean no and not change my mind. When I say no and you don't listen, I will show the same violence towards you and you have demonstrated toward me.

I am free not only to be who I am but to love who I am.

KITTEN!!!!!!

I got the cutest little baby kitten!! OMG! Now, I hate going to shelters because I can't stand to leave knowing all the precious little babies will die. I just want to take them all home! But I was smart this time - i looked at the cats online every day for a week and then...then...HE popped up. This precious little baby boy all gray and white with super long whiskers. I went to the shelter immediately and told them I wanted HIM and no one else. Even though all the other babies cried and pawed at me, I was strong. I left with HIM. The shelter named him Jene which is lame and I thought of changing it to Jean Valjean cuz that's the same but better. Ultimately, after much debate and discussion I settled on Mercutio. Tiny tiny 2lb, 2 month old Mercutio. My other cat hates him but they will be friends before too long.

Let me tell what is so amazing about having a tiny kitten in the house - he is SUPER cute, he rides around on my shoulder most of the time (we cook and wash dishes like that), and he sleeps on my neck. Every time I walk through a room, he's right under my feet. he loves me!



So yes now I have three babies and my house feels quite full. Bunny Todd is a 5 year old rabbit who is boring most of the time but occassionally be bathes or yawns and is super cute. Irina is a 4 year old cat with gorgeous green eyes and an opera star voice. And little Mercutio. *sigh* I love my children!

Birthdays

For weddings, people have that saying "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." It's supposed to be good luck to have these items on you when you walk down the aisle. Though every single bride i know (and I worked at a bridal shop for a year and a half so i know a lot...) follows these rules and still half of the marriages end. It doesn't seem to debunk the myth, though. People enjoy following these types of rituals. there's a strange safety to it.

And as I have just finished the largest birthday extravaganza of my life (well, that's not really true...there's one last party tonight), I was wondering why there isn't a list of bday rules. I mean, everyone agrees that you should eat cake and not care. That's kind of a given. But other than that, nothing. I certainly have a checklist each year. This year I checked everything off...

acquire (by ill means) a man's shirt: check
drink shots in a number that matches your age: check
tell everyone on the street that you pass that it is your birthday: check
make out with a stranger: double check
demand that people do things for you they don't want to: triple check

but it's not the same as having a rhyming saying. Hmmm. Let's see: yeah nope my brain isn't working well enough. Still very hungover i spose...

bowties

I think bowties are the absolute cutest things in the entire world. I love a man who wears a bowtie. I trust men who wear bowties. You never see villains or terrorists or rapists wearing bowties. You see broadway studs, grandpas, and socially awkward/adorable men wearing bowties.

and it's one fashion thing that works equally well on poor people and rich people. How weird is that? You can wear a bowtie with town kickers and suspenders and a dirty t-shirt. That's hot. That's newsies. It's also an essential element of a tuxedo...

i want my next date to wear a bowtie. I really do.

subway men

OK. So I love Subway. I do. Food is good, cheap, and usually the "sandwich artists" are competent. But there is a Subway down the street from my school and I hate it!!! The workers could not be stupider. At first, I thought it was me. Maybe my voice isn't loud enough (yeah right). Maybe I was talking too fast (very possible). Maybe they were having a bad day. but literally EVERY time i go in there, this is what happens:

ME: Can I get a footlong tuna sub on italian bread?
GUY: What kind of bread?
ME: ...Italian?
GUY: what kind of meat?
ME: TUNA!
GUY: did you say a footlong?
ME: YES!!!! YES I DID!

I know fast food workers have to deal with all manner of rude, stupid, and hem-hawy individuals. But me; I'm simple. I know what I want. I order with clarity and speed. I expect my efficiency to be matched and when it is not, I am ANGRY.

about Mark Sanford

REALLY?! Are you effing kidding me? You had the audacity to disappear for a week without telling anyone where you were because you thought they WOULDNT NOTICE and then have spent every day since then talking about your affair and how GREAT it was. Look, really, we get it. She's hott and Argentinian and would never have talked to you in high school. But this is NOT the time or circumstance for trying to prove to people that you are cool. Stop calling her your soulmate. Stop talking about how in love you guys were. That is soooooo much more offensive than regular cheating!! Really! Ask your wife - I'm sure she feels the same.

i could forgive a guy for cheating on me. In fact, I DID forgive a guy for cheating on me. Shit happens. People get caught up in the moment. But falling in LOVE with someone is disgusting and shameful and unforgiveable. Do what you want with your dick. But your heart should belong to your wife. Period. And WHATEVER the circumstance, don't go PARADING your love around! Don't tell everyone in interviews that you've lost your soulmate but will TRY to fall back in love with your wife. GOD! If that woman has an ounce of sense, she will leave your dumb ass. Really. Now.

I'm sorry if you had no friends in middle school. I'm sorry if you were the last to get laid. I'm sorry that you had to become a politician so that you could gain enough "status" to like yourself. And if that Argentinian woman was impressed by your position in American politics, cool. not my business. SO DONT MAKE IT MY BUSINESS! The only thing you are trying to accomplish by telling me about her is to make me believe you are cool. i do not believe this. GO AWAY! REALLY.

What's your dating average?

Recently I was talking with a friend who has had some dating drama in her life. It seems that she can never get past the 2nd date with anyone. They simply stop calling after date 2. I have another friend whose...shall we call it shelf life?...is one month. Guys are nuts about her for a month and then disappear. The more I talk to people, the more I realize how consistent people are in relationships. We really all do have specific patterns and somehow that translates to an average shelf life. 2 dates, 2 weeks, a month - it seems everyone knows when to expect trouble. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it's dysfunctional patterns. Maybe it's coincidence....

please weigh in. What is your shelf life? Why?

Baby Blues

Last night, I was taking the train home at about 1am after hanging with a certain very cool person. Now, trains are REALLY annoying after midnight because NOTHING runs express and the trains only come like once every half hour. So if the waiting for the train doesn't kill you, all the extra stops certainly do. A trip that normally takes me between 30-45 minutes (Manhattan to home) takes probably 2 hours. And that's a normal night.

They've been doing track work at night on my line. Which basically means that to protect the track worker people, the trains travel at about 2 miles an hour. It's a very good excuse to stay in most nights, but not on a Friday. However, last night, in addition to the usual annoying drunk people, there was also one very loud screaming baby. And he did NOT quit. Every once in a while, he lost a bit of volume and everyone on the train held their breaths in anticipation that the baby would actually stop crying. He did not.

Passengers were giving the mother all sorts of stuff - flashy keychains, cheese puffs, peppermints, etc. They all began discussing what might be wrong - was he hungry? Teething? Did he want to be rocked? Did he have gas? The mother is insisting that it must be his stomach - he spit up earlier. Yes. Babies never spit up. It must be his stomach. Or, it could definitely be the teeth that are fully formed inside his mouth. And, yeah, the gas thing could be totes possible.

OR MAYBE THE BABY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED HOURS AGO AND IS VERY MAD THAT HE IS BEING KEPT AWAKE BY THE LOUD, OBNOXIOUS DRUNK PEOPLE ON THE VERY SLOW MOVING TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if I were a baby, that is why I would be fussing. Heck, I'm not a baby and I was still fussing about it. And I actually made the choice to go out...and had a dern good time ;)

wtf is wrong with people? Why is that baby on a train at 1am? WHY? I actually have a high tolerance for baby screaming. Normally, if I'm on the train with a screaming baby, I don't care. Actually, truthfully, that doesn't happen very much because most mothers are too concerned about germs to allow their little precious on the train.

NEVER have a seen a baby on a late-night train. I've seen a few children and that was weird and awful to me but you can always give the parents the benefit of the doubt and credit jet-lag/different time zones with it. I can assume they are tourists and move on.

This baby was not a tourist baby. His mama was born and raised in Brooklyn. I know this because she gave her life story in an attempt to elicit sympathy from the train passengers.

Where's CPS when you need them? I wish they were on that damn train with me.

My Psychopharmacologist and I....

Don't worry - this has nothing to do with how awesome the Next to Normal song is. It's awesome. But I won't comment on it.

So recently I decided to take up the free counseling offered by my oh-so-expensive school. For starters, if I'm paying $40,000 a year, I want to take advantage of EVERYTHING that money goes toward! And, naturally, counseling could only be helpful in dealing with my...how shall we say...DRAMATIC life situation? So i call to set up an appointment.

The deal is, the first thing they do is set you up with a same-day, 15-minute PHONE appointment. I guess this is to determine a couple of things. Firstly, are you suicidal? If so, they will rescue you immediately or something. I guess. Second, they want to know if you actually need counseling or simply think it will be fun. They will not counsel you for fun.

This phone appointment seems easy. It is not. Some strange guy calls my phone and asks what's been going on in my life that prompted me to call. SERIOUSLY? You've only got 15 minutes and you expect me to catch you up on my life? Those of you who know the drama (and you only know the half of it!) know that 15 minutes could cover maybe 1 day of this 6-month saga. But i try to give the nut-shell version. And it is a NUTshell version because trying to sum up the situation makes me sound crazier than explaining it full out.

Then come the questions: how much/how often do you drink? (I'm Irish...and I'm 22...) have you had harmful thoughts towards anyone? (ummm...did you HEAR my story? who wouldnt have harmful thoughts?) have you experienced any weight loss or gain recently and his this been the result of bingeing and/or purging (dude - girls and their food...what can I say?) have there been changes to your living situation (again...did you listen to my story???) do you have a history of mental illness? Are you on medication? Have you ever cut yourself? When was the last time you cried? and on and on and on.....

As I'm telling this total stranger on the phone just how crazy I am, he's typing all of this. And it's probably going into some crazy permanent record. And I'll tell you - after coming through the school system, public records scare the SHIT outta me.

And I didn't even think i was that crazy!! I just thought it might be nice to talk to someone who isn't allowed to judge me or talk about me when I leave. But by the end of the phone conversation, I started asking myself whether or not I should be committed. Man! Why couldn't he have asked me a greater variety of questions? I would have liked to seem sane on some level...

so yeah. Way to go therapy. I feel so much crazier than I did before.

My non-specific comments on an unspecified production.

OMG. omg. omg. I recently saw the absolute worst piece of theater I've ever experienced in my life. Now, due to certain contractual stipulations (very seriously), I am not at liberty to discuss any real details about this production. But I cannot let this one go. So I will talk around it.

The truth is, there wasn't a single GOOD element in the entire production. From the leading actor (who has many Broadway credits, strangely) to the lighting design, the whole thing was a disaster. I had to leave. I was physically nausiated and had a headache. When I left, there were MANY others who walked out as well (and this was after 30 minutes - i couldn't even wait until intermission) and they were all just laughing at how pathetic it was.

This "staged reading" couldn't have been less staged - the actors were simply wandering around like lost children. They were waving their arms noncommitedly and constantly throwing lines away. High school actors have better instincts than these people.

The harmonies were DISGUSTING when they were actually attempted, which wasn't very often. Cut-offs were sloppy and there was no semblance of balance. This is spoken by a musical IDIOT. if I can tell there is a problem with the music, there is a HUGE problem. My ears are not very sensitive and I have virtually no music education. The role that is the soprano ingenue was sung by a girl who BELTED her part with a crazy vibratto and had an almost country twang to her vowels. it was AWFUL. The supporting role who is an operatic soprano was sung TWO full octaves down from what is written. YUCk. pointless.

The lights. OMG. the lights. If the facility you are using doesn't have a workable light grid, just bathe everyone in white light. We, the audience, don't mind. I assure you. As long as we can see them, we are not that picky. Instead, whoever designed the light decided to "blanket" every scene in a ridiculous color. A romantic engagement party was bathed in yellow. YELLOW. Everyone looked ill. A street scene was bathed in green. Everyone looks evil in green. I just don't get it! You should really never bathe the stage in any one color. I don't design lights and I know this.

Ultimately, I have no idea how much rehearsal or production time this show had. I don't really care. At the end of the day, if I had handed the libretti to my friends, they could have SIGHT READ the entire show much better than the actors and musicians on stage. Give me ONE HOUR and I could have directed the show better. It's totally inexcusable to charge people $50 for absolute crap.

Oh, and let's talk about the box office for one second before I lose my steam - I bought the tickets online. The e-ticket said to come to the box office an hour before show time to exchange it for a "real" ticket. Ok? fine, I guess. I show up and they said they would not open the doors until 30 minutes before show time. Then why put on the ticket to show up an hour early? no biggie. I went for drinks. The doors didn't open until 5 minutes AFTER the scheduled start time. Then everyone had to wait in line to exchange what should have been a perfectly valid e-ticket (had a barcode and everything) for a paper ticket. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I cannot even tell you how annoying it is to deal with absolute idiots who aren't even qualified to work at McDonalds. How could you not open the box office until AFTER the show is supposed to start??? Again, high school theaters are run better than that.

I've never in my life had such a bad experience at the theater. Disgusting.

Beach on Broadway

Ok, for those of you not from NYC, let me give you the exposition: Idiot Mayor Mike Bloomberg decided it would be a great idea to shut down traffic on Broadway in Herald Sq and Times Sq. He gave some bogus explanation about it improving the experience for tourists and "helping" to ease traffic, though no one understands the logic behind that. So now a 6 lane street is covered in cheap beach chairs with tourists sitting and sunning themselves like they are at the beach.

WHAT?!

WTF?!

Are you really serious? Like seriously serious?!

let me explain what is wrong with this picture, the obvious and the not-so-obvious

FIRST - dude, seriously, you are not improving the tourist experience at all! You have not improved foot traffic with this move as the road, instead of being covered with cars, is now covered with sitting people. So it's still only the sidewalks that can be used for walking. You have also not improved the view. I would rather stare at 1000 cabs than gross people eating and sunbathing when there is NO OCEAN in sight. It's just a testament to laziness. Or something.

SECOND - dude, seriously, you have not improved traffic elsewhere. What would make you think that you have? The same amount of cars have to travel to the same places, but now they have fewer avenues to do it on. Yeah, good plan. ALSO, the trucks that used to make deliveries on Broadway now have to park around the block and walk deliveries which is inconvenient, inefficient, and OH YEAH makes traffic worse.

THIRD - dude, seriously, this is costing the city - which is at the EPICENTER of the world's recession - a ton of money. The tourists are TRASHING Times Square so you have hired a bazillion extra sanitation workers. Also, traffic cops to redirect the motor traffic that SHOULD be on Broadway. Also, regular cops because of a reason I don't quite comprehend...
And, also, guess what? If people are sitting in the middle of the street, it means they are NOT shopping, eating, or seeing shows. So they are not spending money. They are COSTING you money.

Is this smart? REALLY? JESUS. Every time I walk in that area of town, I am filled with such a rage that I cannot even describe it. I moved here for that area! The hustle and bustle of the "crossroads of the world" is what draws people here. And now, instead of a fast-paced, high-stakes, uber-cultured area, they might as well be in Myrtle Beach. It's tacky, it's pointless, it's expensive, and it's counter-intuitive.

Good work, Mayor. REALLY.

Umbrellas and Egos

So as I worked outside today in the rain, I realized something that is very true that I had never known before: a person's ego is entirely obvious by the size and type of their umbrella. Good people have plain, simple, compact umbrellas. The ones that fit neatly inside a purse, for instance. These are the most practical, especially for new yorkers. If you have one of these, it shows foresight (you likely carry it around every day just in case), consideration (it's too small to inconvenience others on the street), and self-confidence (no need to showcase how cool you are by the wacky designs). Everyone else falls into one of the following categories:

1. the DOME umbrella: conformist. These umbrellas were only cool for a day because of some ad or movie or something. Anyone who has one is a hopeless follower. See, as cute as they may be, they are TOTALLY impractical. Sure, your head stays dry but the umbrella is dome shaped. Any idiot can see that it simply drips all the water onto your lower half. So while you think you are trendy, the world can see that your pants and shoes are soaked through. And you will be out of work sick the rest of the week.

2. the SPORTS umbrella: boring and wasteful. Now, i don't like sports but I respect people who do. Sweatshirts and caps are ok. A coat is a bit far, but acceptable. When your RAIN gear also advertises your fave team, you really have no personality. At all. AND you have no idea how to handle money, because let's face it, we all know that an umbrella with a sports logo costs 3x as much. And for what?

3. the umbrella that MATCHES the boots and/or the coat: incredibly self-involved! Omg. If you spend that much time contemplating your RAIN appearance - when generally everyone looks soggy and gross - you are also the type of person who hogs the bathroom and has never heard the word compromise.

4. the GIANT umbrella: asshole. this joker thinks that the dryness of his shoes is so important that it doesnt matter that his umbrella takes up the entire sidewalk. He doesn't care that it drips water onto everyone else and almost, if not totally, jabs many people in the eyes. He is well protected under his ROOF that he calls an umbrella. He is also the one who will shake it out right on your feet without noticing.

5. the guy who carries around the umbrella with the curved handle crooked over his arm: thinks he's cool. Very old Hollywood. He is not. He's so busy trying to LOOK cool that he has completely ignored his actual personal development.

If I'm wrong, prove it. But I think I'm right.

BAD BUNNY!

So I have a house bunny. And what that means is that he is potty trained so he can run about as he pleases. Like a cat. Only, here's the thing: rabbits are a lot dumber than cats. You can't train them to do very much at all. And when you do get them trained, they forget a week later.

Bunny is not allowed in the bedroom. It is a cat-only zone. It's what keeps my cat sane, knowing she has a place she can be the Queen. Lately, the Bunny has been trying more and more to go in there. I let the cat run at him when he gets close because I think that is a good training tool. However, the Bunny discovered that if he gets under my bed, the cat cant get him because she is too fat to fit.

So the other night, I go to plug my cellphone in, and wouldn't you know it: the DAMN BUNNY ATE MY CELLPHONE CORD! I have bunny-proofed the rest of the house because the bunny insists on eating electrical cords. Despite this, the Bunny still ate my bookcase. JESUS. how much damage can a tiny animal do?

So I buy a new charger. It worked for 3 seconds and then stopped. $25 down the drain. Ugh. I bought ANOTHER one for $25 and it actually works.

so now the bunny is now caged.

Dieting tips...

Here is how to have a figure as fantastic as mine ;) and KEEP it!! Pick whatever diet plan appeals the most to you - Atkins, Isagenix, Weight Watchers, whatever - and remember the following tips as you follow the plan. See, the only way to actually STAY on a plan is to remember the following tips. Without these, you will not stay on the plan. So they are important. And I should know. I am a supermodel. Oh, wait, that's the other Laurie Mannette. She's real. Yeah. Google her.

1. If a boy is mean to you, calories don't count. Your heightened (and well-deserved) emotions will burn off whatever calories you consume. So eat that ice cream. It won't count.

2. If a girl is mean to you, calories don't count. The stupid bitch will be fat and preggers soon, envying you. Eat some pizza to her ugly future.

3. If your boss is mean to you, liquid calories don't count. Eat a salad and drink a bottle of wine. Raise a glass to your boss' noncombatable assholery.

4. If it is your birthday, EAT SOME DAMN CAKE. I mean, REALLY! No one is fat on their birthday. Even the guy who weighs a thousand pounds is skinny on his birthday. It's just one of the inalienable rights that you are skinny on your birthday.

5. Chocolate kisses are too small to matter. You might as well not count those calories.

6. Ice cream is pretty much healthy because it's a proven fact that women don't get enough dairy. And ice cream has dairy. So, really, we should eat MORE of it to be as healthy as we need to be. I take my bone health very seriously. Don't you?

7. If you are on a bad date, you might as well eat what you want. Who cares what he thinks of you? He's too stupid for words.

8. If you are on a good date, you might as well eat what you want. You'll burn it off later ;)

9. Movie snacks are part of the experience. Don't deny the actors the respect they deserve by skipping the refreshments.

10. The only cure for a hangover is greasy fast food. It's a fact. So, sure, go for a Subway fresh fit meal any other time. But the morning after partying, PLEASE do your body a favor and fill it full of McDonalds.

About Protesting...

So yesterday I attended a work event. It was a protest against Fox News Network. I went because, well, they expect you to attend a certain amount of outside activities and I NEVER go. And I like to yell. And I hate Fox News. However, despite those things, I do not understand the purpose of protesting Fox News.

See, everyone knows that news stations are owned by corporations with vested political interests. Thus, the news is never purely factual, but always has a slant. Fox News slants right. They do lie about many things. They do wrongfully fire their employees for wanting to tell the truth about instances they'd rather ignore. But they are a corporation and thats what corporations do. The best protest would simply be to stop watching them. If enough people did that, they would go off the air. Very simple. But many people LIKE Fox News. Because many people slant right. Is that a problem? Not to me.

There are lots of things WORTH protesting. But I think one of the most important things about a protest is to educate the public about a company to encourage a boycott. Like EXXON. Protest Exxon all day long!! I was amazed when the people at work told me how evil they are. I will never again buy Exxon gas. But everyone knows Fox News has a conservative bias. Everyone knows they chose not to air President Obama's speech in April. If you care, you stopped watching them. If you don't, you watch them.

I think people who get their news from a tv station are idiots, anyways, because they ALL slant. I get my news from the Daily News newspaper (which presents fact-based journalism and opinion based articles that cover EVERYONE's views), and from Jon Stewart (leaning left) and Stephen Colbert (leaning right). I consider myself extremely well informed. Quiz me. Seriously.

You need to find a news source (even if it is a COMEDY based news source like the Onion or Jon and Stephen) that presents a fair and balanced view of the world. Respect yourself enough to examine every side of every issue rather than conforming to the opinion being fed to you.

Celebrities I'd really like to punch. In the face.

So facebook has this application where you can pick 5 people you want to punch in the face. This is fun. Ridiculously fun! Mean? Sure. But that's the world we live in. Unfortunately, as fun as this application is, it simply isn't satisfying. Firstly, you can only pick FIVE. FIVE. I can think of a hundred I want to punch. Also, it doesn't allow you to justify yourself. So I have simply moved the idea to this forum. Because, well, I can say whatever I want. Haha. Take that, facebook.

In NO particular order, I would like to punch the following people in the face. I will stop only when I get tired of typing. It may be continued another day. Or many other days, depending on the tide of Hollywood.

Miley Cyrus. She's just plain annoying. She has such an ego and no talent. It's really quite sad that she thinks she's special and the only people who actually think so are brainless tweens. Ugh.

Amanda Bynes. I've always hated her. There's something about her lack of facial depth and gravelly voice that just irks me.

Tori Spelling. Was she ever cool? I mean ever? I know I'm too young for Melrose and all, but really. I'm over her. And I also think a punch could only help her face...

Anne Hathaway. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Anne. She's great. But her decision to do Bride Wars was so dumb, it deserves a punch in the face.

Rush Limbaugh. 'Nuff said.

Paris Hilton. 'Nuff said.

Perez Hilton. Why the fuck is this guy famous? He's not funny. Or clever. And I think his reaction to Carrie Prejean was incredibly hypocritical. Do I agree with her? HELL no. Do I think she has a right to her opinion? HELL yes. I hope no one condemns my beliefs and the way I live. And no one should condemn hers. She didn't say she was against gay marriage because faggots deserve to rot in hell. That's what people say to ME every day as I canvass for the HRC. She presented her views in a respectful, albeit terribly worded, way.

The Olson Twins. EAT SOMETHING! I would punch them in the face so they'd go to the hospital and be fed 6000 calories a day via IV. hehehe.

Cassie Wilson. OMG. My new favorite girl to hate.

Mandy Patinkin. He did NOT stop for gay rights the other day on the street. I was upset.

Alec Baldwin. There's just too much of him on tv these days and I'm sorry but I'm totally over the underacting-while-smiling-with-my-eyes-and-lowering-my-voice-to-a-rasp thing. Definite punch needed.

Elizabeth Hasselback. Seriously, who likes this girl? Does ANYONE think she is smart? Because anyone who does must be even stupider than she is and that's hard to achieve.

Kirstie Alley. I'm pretty sure she gained back all that weight because she was amazed that she got more attention for losing weight than she ever got for acting. And the attention would only continue if SHE continued to change sizes. So now she's up. And she'll go back down. And probably back up.

okkkkkk...tired now. Long week at work. This will be continued. And I would love input...

Apathy vs. Fear

Ok, here's the deal people: don't claim that you believe in something if you are unwilling to do a damn thing about it. Not registered to vote? Keep your mouth shut entirely! Hate the war in Iraq? What have you done to stop it? Believe in equal rights for all human beings? How can you prove it?

My priest back home once said, "you can tell what people value by what they spend their money and their time on." And it's entirely true. If you say you care about the environment, but haven't paid more money for energy efficient appliances, grocery tote bags, brita filters, etc, then you are a LIAR.

Which brings me to gay rights. Right now, I am working for the Human Rights Campaign and spending all day every day attempting to get people involved with our efforts. So often, people say they don't have a minute of time to talk about the issues or a dime to give. UNACCEPTABLE! I have MORE respect for the people on the opposition, screaming themselves ignorant at rallies against gay rights than for the apathetic people who pass right by with not an inclination to stop. Honestly. Whatever you believe, you are entitled. Fight for it! Fight for it with all you have.

The reason that SHIT like Proposition 8 happens is because the people who FEAR gay and lesbian civil rights put far more time and money into fighting against them than people who support them. Most people - gays and lesbians included - are actually totally apathetic to the issues. They figure we'll get there eventually. They maybe hope that we will. Or, at worst, they simply don't mind if it happens or not. GET A CLUE! This is too important not to care about!

Take a side! Take a stance! If you are against gay rights, you have my full support to fight against them. I hope you lose, honestly. But please fight. If you are FOR gay rights, FIGHT FOR THEM! Give your voice, your time, and YES your money to achieving equal rights for all. Stop being a dumbass who talks a good game and does nothing to actually support what you believe in. You are making me miserable and ruining all my faith in humanity. And you are causing the Right to win.

Give a minute
Give a dollar
Give a piece of your mind

3rd Date Dinner

We can all agree that the 3rd date is crucially important. Whether or not you belong to the "third date sex club," I think we all agree that you don't go on more than 3 dates with a person who is not relationship material. Why waste the time? And money? Well, here is the perfect way to determine if a guy should stick around. Now, mind you, there is only one man in my life who has ever passed this test: he was my longest relationship. There are many that I continued dating even though they failed multiple elements. These have not worked out. At all. That is why I know the test is foolproof.

So, on the third date, invite the man to your place and offer to cook dinner. Now, i admit: there is a danger in inviting a man over. He will assume that sex is on the menu. But no matter; if he doesn't pass, you have an excuse to kick him out. And if he does: HAVE AT IT! It is a rare man indeed who can pass the test.

1. He must be ON TIME. Anyone can force themselves to be on time if there are play/movie tickets/reservations involved. But many people - inconsiderate people - think that if you are going to someone's house, you don't need to be on time. The late man is the same one who will forget to call you for days in a row. He will forget your birthday. He will blow off an important event. RUN.

2. He must bring wine. Or dessert. Or both. Any person who goes to someone else's house for dinner and doesn't bring something has not been raised correctly! If a boy shows up without anything (or with only a 6pack of beer ewww), his mama didn't raise him right. And there will be many other skills he will be lacking: namely, respect for women in general, which is also taught by the mother.

3. He MUST offer to help you cook. If he sits on his ass while you cook, god help you. He is either lazy or misogynistic or BOTH. Gross! Now, don't kick him out on the spot: he may offer to do the dishes AFTER dinner. This is an acceptable substitution. Perfectly valid. In some cases, much better!

4. Now this one is on you: conveniently "forget" to bring an important item to the table. I suggest a napkin. If he doesn't NOTICE that a napkin is missing and wipes his mouth on his shoulder or hand, this is a BAD SIGN. He is a slob. He will dirty up your apartment and bathroom. He will try to have sex with you unshowered. If he does notice, but asks YOU to retrieve it, he is a chauvanist pig. Steer clear. If he notices and jumps up to get one for each of you, he has passed!

5. Does he eat dessert? He had BETTER eat dessert!! if he doesn't, the kid is crazy about fitness and weight and will be really mean to you about what you eat. He will ask you if you know the calorie count of every item of food. Do you want this man in your life? The one who encourages bulimia? I sure don't. KEEP LOOKING! Nothing is quite as important as this dessert thing. Trust me.

And for tomorrow: the idiots of the world/proposition 8. It will be full of wrath, which I am quite good at.

About Online Dating...

I don't know how many people out there are on a dating site - I'd venture to guess MOST of you are or have been at some point - but the truth is, it's fucking great. PLEASE give me a run-down before we get into anything. It's too easy to forgive deal-breakers when you are horny in a bar. True story. But, when you get a list ahead of time, you can determine quite easily if the person is worth a minute. Drop-out? Sorry! 5'5"? Keep walking. Republican? Yeah, you won't like me.

And now a minute to discuss pictures. Pictures are the single most important thing on a dating site. Now, before you go thinking I'm shallow, give me a minute to explain. Lord knows I have dated my fair share of ugly men. If you have dated me and are reading this, go ahead and assume I am talking about you. I probably am. The picture has nothing to do with looks. It is the BEST way to assess a person's character (flaws). Below is a list of red-flag pictures.

1. A photo of a guy in a wifebeater and sunglasses: Bad news. This guy is a misogynist pig. He will date rape you. Usually this guy will be posing in a doorway - that's another bad sign. I'm not sure of the psychology of it, but only assholes pose in doorways wearing wifebeaters and sunglasses. And you'd be surprised how many do...

2. A photo of a guy with a bunch of hot girls: Loser. This guy is shallow and probably never has sex but tells everyone he does. You do NOT want to get mixed up in his drama. If you do bed him out of pity, he will not call you for another date. He WILL call you. But only when he is horny and wants to tell his friends he has someone he can bang.

3. A group of photos of the guy but every single one has a mountain, waterfall, fishing boat, etc in the background: sexually incompetent. He's determined to prove that he's adventurous outside the bedroom because, well, he ISNT adventurous inside the bedroom.

4. A photo of a guy with a big dog: TINY penis. Guaranteed.

5. A photo of a guy obviously taken by himself: Anti-social loser. I mean, really?! You don't have a SINGLE photo that someone else took of you? Not one facebook pic you can transfer? Yeah, this guy is AWKWARD and dating him will be like dating your weird uncle. It doesn't matter if he's rich. It doesn't even matter if he's good looking. He's too awkward for words, guaranteed.

Those are the basic five to steer clear of. I'll let you figure out the rest ;) Because, honestly, what is more entertaining for the rest of the world than your bad date stories?

And for tomorrow: why a 3rd date dinner will tell you everything you need to know about a guy.

The importance of cooling one's home

Having moved to the thriving metropolis we call the Big Apple from the hot and humid south, I thought that winter would be my greatest challenge. It was awful. Yes. Truly awful. And now that we are into summer, one would assume that everything would be easy for me. I'm used to working outdoors in the heat and driving a car with no A/C. What could the city throw at me that I wouldn't be able to sweat through?

Well, it's simple. Due to some laws of physics or something that I do not understand, my apartment is unnaturally hot. I did not turn on my heat once during the entire frigid winter. In fact, the windows were open most days. So now that the temperature is reasonable, my apartment is unbearable.

Off to Target for a window unit! After spending the last $100 I earned at David's Bridal Shop of Horrors, I painstakingly carried the heavy unit home and up the stairs, thinking to myself that I really should have gone on Biggest Loser this season so maybe this task would be easier for me.
Of course, once I opened the package, I found the giant book full of instructions that make no sense. And, as it turns out, window units are illegal in my building so they have built the windows to make it impossible to install a/c units correctly.

I spent a good part of the afternoon with my toolbox, trying to convince myself I was handy, before I just gave up and plunked the damn thing on the window sill. It works!!!! Now I'm sure that because it is not installed remotely correctly, I will probably have an explosion at any minute. But in the meantime, the 10 foot radius around the unit is wonderfully cool. And who needs more than 10 feet of cool space? Sleeping on the floor is supposed to be good for your back...

successful endeavor? You bet! i would never admit that I wasted a whole 100 dollars.