Performance Art

Oh lord. So...after knowing nothing for real about the world of performance art except what you see on tv (which is largely just a farcical representation), I spent an evening trying to get into this modern theatrical bullshit. Obviously, I am unconverted.

Jason takes me to this studio in Brooklyn - no shoes allowed and everyone sits on the floor - and watch a bunch of people who probably never got cast in high school crawl around the floor in their leotards and pretend that the words they are saying are meaningful.

1. Leotards are unflattering. They make women look like children and men look....well, i will just say if you've got nothing to flaunt, PLEASE don't. I mean really. You make me sit on the floor. So I am eye level with your crotch. And if what you've got amounts to a baby carrot, maybe you should consider pants. Just maybe. And ladies - cover the nipples. Really. NuBra makes petals for a reason.

2. Spaz attacks are not art. They never will be. And your willingness to have several onstage does not make you an artist. It makes you silly.

3. Repetition is also not art. Something is not significant merely because you choose to repeat it in different voices a hundred times over.

4. If you insist on forcing your audience to participate, you must be prepared for the fact that some of us (*cough cough ME*) will simply want to embarrass you. Isn't that what your art is about? The TRUTH about humanity? You being utterly HUMAN in front of us and forcing us to face the hard truth about ourselves? Well the truth about me is I want to humiliate you because I think you are foolish anyhow.

To elaborate on #4, this chick asks us before the show to write down our fantasies for her to act out. She lists her skills, costumes, and props and we are supposed to fill out a madlibs type thing. Now, given the rest of her act, she is obviously hoping to act out people's sexual fantasies. But that was unspecified. And I like to make my own rules.

And she picked me. I didn't volunteer.

So I read my fantasy: I want Rebecca to recite Lady MacBeth's Unsex me Here speech while demonstrating her flexibility wearing fake teeth and holding a gun.

Hahahahahaha. I laugh just thinking about this. The poor girl - i really do feel a little bad - stands on one leg with the other behind her head trying to recite Shakespeare with these giant fake teeth that keep falling out of her mouth. Plus she's holding a gun. For no real reason but at least it gave her some balance. I hope. And she takes herself so seriously!! She really does! And everyone is trying not to laugh (except me cuz I can't help it) but it's so funny watching her try to annunciate the Bard with these vampire teeth. And her spit is flying. And she's stumbling.

And I am a bitch. but at least for those 5 minutes, I was entertained.