About Online Dating...

I don't know how many people out there are on a dating site - I'd venture to guess MOST of you are or have been at some point - but the truth is, it's fucking great. PLEASE give me a run-down before we get into anything. It's too easy to forgive deal-breakers when you are horny in a bar. True story. But, when you get a list ahead of time, you can determine quite easily if the person is worth a minute. Drop-out? Sorry! 5'5"? Keep walking. Republican? Yeah, you won't like me.

And now a minute to discuss pictures. Pictures are the single most important thing on a dating site. Now, before you go thinking I'm shallow, give me a minute to explain. Lord knows I have dated my fair share of ugly men. If you have dated me and are reading this, go ahead and assume I am talking about you. I probably am. The picture has nothing to do with looks. It is the BEST way to assess a person's character (flaws). Below is a list of red-flag pictures.

1. A photo of a guy in a wifebeater and sunglasses: Bad news. This guy is a misogynist pig. He will date rape you. Usually this guy will be posing in a doorway - that's another bad sign. I'm not sure of the psychology of it, but only assholes pose in doorways wearing wifebeaters and sunglasses. And you'd be surprised how many do...

2. A photo of a guy with a bunch of hot girls: Loser. This guy is shallow and probably never has sex but tells everyone he does. You do NOT want to get mixed up in his drama. If you do bed him out of pity, he will not call you for another date. He WILL call you. But only when he is horny and wants to tell his friends he has someone he can bang.

3. A group of photos of the guy but every single one has a mountain, waterfall, fishing boat, etc in the background: sexually incompetent. He's determined to prove that he's adventurous outside the bedroom because, well, he ISNT adventurous inside the bedroom.

4. A photo of a guy with a big dog: TINY penis. Guaranteed.

5. A photo of a guy obviously taken by himself: Anti-social loser. I mean, really?! You don't have a SINGLE photo that someone else took of you? Not one facebook pic you can transfer? Yeah, this guy is AWKWARD and dating him will be like dating your weird uncle. It doesn't matter if he's rich. It doesn't even matter if he's good looking. He's too awkward for words, guaranteed.

Those are the basic five to steer clear of. I'll let you figure out the rest ;) Because, honestly, what is more entertaining for the rest of the world than your bad date stories?

And for tomorrow: why a 3rd date dinner will tell you everything you need to know about a guy.