Dieting tips...

Here is how to have a figure as fantastic as mine ;) and KEEP it!! Pick whatever diet plan appeals the most to you - Atkins, Isagenix, Weight Watchers, whatever - and remember the following tips as you follow the plan. See, the only way to actually STAY on a plan is to remember the following tips. Without these, you will not stay on the plan. So they are important. And I should know. I am a supermodel. Oh, wait, that's the other Laurie Mannette. She's real. Yeah. Google her.

1. If a boy is mean to you, calories don't count. Your heightened (and well-deserved) emotions will burn off whatever calories you consume. So eat that ice cream. It won't count.

2. If a girl is mean to you, calories don't count. The stupid bitch will be fat and preggers soon, envying you. Eat some pizza to her ugly future.

3. If your boss is mean to you, liquid calories don't count. Eat a salad and drink a bottle of wine. Raise a glass to your boss' noncombatable assholery.

4. If it is your birthday, EAT SOME DAMN CAKE. I mean, REALLY! No one is fat on their birthday. Even the guy who weighs a thousand pounds is skinny on his birthday. It's just one of the inalienable rights that you are skinny on your birthday.

5. Chocolate kisses are too small to matter. You might as well not count those calories.

6. Ice cream is pretty much healthy because it's a proven fact that women don't get enough dairy. And ice cream has dairy. So, really, we should eat MORE of it to be as healthy as we need to be. I take my bone health very seriously. Don't you?

7. If you are on a bad date, you might as well eat what you want. Who cares what he thinks of you? He's too stupid for words.

8. If you are on a good date, you might as well eat what you want. You'll burn it off later ;)

9. Movie snacks are part of the experience. Don't deny the actors the respect they deserve by skipping the refreshments.

10. The only cure for a hangover is greasy fast food. It's a fact. So, sure, go for a Subway fresh fit meal any other time. But the morning after partying, PLEASE do your body a favor and fill it full of McDonalds.