Umbrellas and Egos

So as I worked outside today in the rain, I realized something that is very true that I had never known before: a person's ego is entirely obvious by the size and type of their umbrella. Good people have plain, simple, compact umbrellas. The ones that fit neatly inside a purse, for instance. These are the most practical, especially for new yorkers. If you have one of these, it shows foresight (you likely carry it around every day just in case), consideration (it's too small to inconvenience others on the street), and self-confidence (no need to showcase how cool you are by the wacky designs). Everyone else falls into one of the following categories:

1. the DOME umbrella: conformist. These umbrellas were only cool for a day because of some ad or movie or something. Anyone who has one is a hopeless follower. See, as cute as they may be, they are TOTALLY impractical. Sure, your head stays dry but the umbrella is dome shaped. Any idiot can see that it simply drips all the water onto your lower half. So while you think you are trendy, the world can see that your pants and shoes are soaked through. And you will be out of work sick the rest of the week.

2. the SPORTS umbrella: boring and wasteful. Now, i don't like sports but I respect people who do. Sweatshirts and caps are ok. A coat is a bit far, but acceptable. When your RAIN gear also advertises your fave team, you really have no personality. At all. AND you have no idea how to handle money, because let's face it, we all know that an umbrella with a sports logo costs 3x as much. And for what?

3. the umbrella that MATCHES the boots and/or the coat: incredibly self-involved! Omg. If you spend that much time contemplating your RAIN appearance - when generally everyone looks soggy and gross - you are also the type of person who hogs the bathroom and has never heard the word compromise.

4. the GIANT umbrella: asshole. this joker thinks that the dryness of his shoes is so important that it doesnt matter that his umbrella takes up the entire sidewalk. He doesn't care that it drips water onto everyone else and almost, if not totally, jabs many people in the eyes. He is well protected under his ROOF that he calls an umbrella. He is also the one who will shake it out right on your feet without noticing.

5. the guy who carries around the umbrella with the curved handle crooked over his arm: thinks he's cool. Very old Hollywood. He is not. He's so busy trying to LOOK cool that he has completely ignored his actual personal development.

If I'm wrong, prove it. But I think I'm right.