3rd Date Dinner

We can all agree that the 3rd date is crucially important. Whether or not you belong to the "third date sex club," I think we all agree that you don't go on more than 3 dates with a person who is not relationship material. Why waste the time? And money? Well, here is the perfect way to determine if a guy should stick around. Now, mind you, there is only one man in my life who has ever passed this test: he was my longest relationship. There are many that I continued dating even though they failed multiple elements. These have not worked out. At all. That is why I know the test is foolproof.

So, on the third date, invite the man to your place and offer to cook dinner. Now, i admit: there is a danger in inviting a man over. He will assume that sex is on the menu. But no matter; if he doesn't pass, you have an excuse to kick him out. And if he does: HAVE AT IT! It is a rare man indeed who can pass the test.

1. He must be ON TIME. Anyone can force themselves to be on time if there are play/movie tickets/reservations involved. But many people - inconsiderate people - think that if you are going to someone's house, you don't need to be on time. The late man is the same one who will forget to call you for days in a row. He will forget your birthday. He will blow off an important event. RUN.

2. He must bring wine. Or dessert. Or both. Any person who goes to someone else's house for dinner and doesn't bring something has not been raised correctly! If a boy shows up without anything (or with only a 6pack of beer ewww), his mama didn't raise him right. And there will be many other skills he will be lacking: namely, respect for women in general, which is also taught by the mother.

3. He MUST offer to help you cook. If he sits on his ass while you cook, god help you. He is either lazy or misogynistic or BOTH. Gross! Now, don't kick him out on the spot: he may offer to do the dishes AFTER dinner. This is an acceptable substitution. Perfectly valid. In some cases, much better!

4. Now this one is on you: conveniently "forget" to bring an important item to the table. I suggest a napkin. If he doesn't NOTICE that a napkin is missing and wipes his mouth on his shoulder or hand, this is a BAD SIGN. He is a slob. He will dirty up your apartment and bathroom. He will try to have sex with you unshowered. If he does notice, but asks YOU to retrieve it, he is a chauvanist pig. Steer clear. If he notices and jumps up to get one for each of you, he has passed!

5. Does he eat dessert? He had BETTER eat dessert!! if he doesn't, the kid is crazy about fitness and weight and will be really mean to you about what you eat. He will ask you if you know the calorie count of every item of food. Do you want this man in your life? The one who encourages bulimia? I sure don't. KEEP LOOKING! Nothing is quite as important as this dessert thing. Trust me.

And for tomorrow: the idiots of the world/proposition 8. It will be full of wrath, which I am quite good at.