My Psychopharmacologist and I....

Don't worry - this has nothing to do with how awesome the Next to Normal song is. It's awesome. But I won't comment on it.

So recently I decided to take up the free counseling offered by my oh-so-expensive school. For starters, if I'm paying $40,000 a year, I want to take advantage of EVERYTHING that money goes toward! And, naturally, counseling could only be helpful in dealing with my...how shall we say...DRAMATIC life situation? So i call to set up an appointment.

The deal is, the first thing they do is set you up with a same-day, 15-minute PHONE appointment. I guess this is to determine a couple of things. Firstly, are you suicidal? If so, they will rescue you immediately or something. I guess. Second, they want to know if you actually need counseling or simply think it will be fun. They will not counsel you for fun.

This phone appointment seems easy. It is not. Some strange guy calls my phone and asks what's been going on in my life that prompted me to call. SERIOUSLY? You've only got 15 minutes and you expect me to catch you up on my life? Those of you who know the drama (and you only know the half of it!) know that 15 minutes could cover maybe 1 day of this 6-month saga. But i try to give the nut-shell version. And it is a NUTshell version because trying to sum up the situation makes me sound crazier than explaining it full out.

Then come the questions: how much/how often do you drink? (I'm Irish...and I'm 22...) have you had harmful thoughts towards anyone? (ummm...did you HEAR my story? who wouldnt have harmful thoughts?) have you experienced any weight loss or gain recently and his this been the result of bingeing and/or purging (dude - girls and their food...what can I say?) have there been changes to your living situation (again...did you listen to my story???) do you have a history of mental illness? Are you on medication? Have you ever cut yourself? When was the last time you cried? and on and on and on.....

As I'm telling this total stranger on the phone just how crazy I am, he's typing all of this. And it's probably going into some crazy permanent record. And I'll tell you - after coming through the school system, public records scare the SHIT outta me.

And I didn't even think i was that crazy!! I just thought it might be nice to talk to someone who isn't allowed to judge me or talk about me when I leave. But by the end of the phone conversation, I started asking myself whether or not I should be committed. Man! Why couldn't he have asked me a greater variety of questions? I would have liked to seem sane on some level...

so yeah. Way to go therapy. I feel so much crazier than I did before.