Here is how to have a figure as fantastic as mine ;) and KEEP it!! Pick whatever diet plan appeals the most to you - Atkins, Isagenix, Weight Watchers, whatever - and remember the following tips as you follow the plan. See, the only way to actually STAY on a plan is to remember the following tips. Without these, you will not stay on the plan. So they are important. And I should know. I am a supermodel. Oh, wait, that's the other Laurie Mannette. She's real. Yeah. Google her.
1. If a boy is mean to you, calories don't count. Your heightened (and well-deserved) emotions will burn off whatever calories you consume. So eat that ice cream. It won't count.
2. If a girl is mean to you, calories don't count. The stupid bitch will be fat and preggers soon, envying you. Eat some pizza to her ugly future.
3. If your boss is mean to you, liquid calories don't count. Eat a salad and drink a bottle of wine. Raise a glass to your boss' noncombatable assholery.
4. If it is your birthday, EAT SOME DAMN CAKE. I mean, REALLY! No one is fat on their birthday. Even the guy who weighs a thousand pounds is skinny on his birthday. It's just one of the inalienable rights that you are skinny on your birthday.
5. Chocolate kisses are too small to matter. You might as well not count those calories.
6. Ice cream is pretty much healthy because it's a proven fact that women don't get enough dairy. And ice cream has dairy. So, really, we should eat MORE of it to be as healthy as we need to be. I take my bone health very seriously. Don't you?
7. If you are on a bad date, you might as well eat what you want. Who cares what he thinks of you? He's too stupid for words.
8. If you are on a good date, you might as well eat what you want. You'll burn it off later ;)
9. Movie snacks are part of the experience. Don't deny the actors the respect they deserve by skipping the refreshments.
10. The only cure for a hangover is greasy fast food. It's a fact. So, sure, go for a Subway fresh fit meal any other time. But the morning after partying, PLEASE do your body a favor and fill it full of McDonalds.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
About Protesting...
So yesterday I attended a work event. It was a protest against Fox News Network. I went because, well, they expect you to attend a certain amount of outside activities and I NEVER go. And I like to yell. And I hate Fox News. However, despite those things, I do not understand the purpose of protesting Fox News.
See, everyone knows that news stations are owned by corporations with vested political interests. Thus, the news is never purely factual, but always has a slant. Fox News slants right. They do lie about many things. They do wrongfully fire their employees for wanting to tell the truth about instances they'd rather ignore. But they are a corporation and thats what corporations do. The best protest would simply be to stop watching them. If enough people did that, they would go off the air. Very simple. But many people LIKE Fox News. Because many people slant right. Is that a problem? Not to me.
There are lots of things WORTH protesting. But I think one of the most important things about a protest is to educate the public about a company to encourage a boycott. Like EXXON. Protest Exxon all day long!! I was amazed when the people at work told me how evil they are. I will never again buy Exxon gas. But everyone knows Fox News has a conservative bias. Everyone knows they chose not to air President Obama's speech in April. If you care, you stopped watching them. If you don't, you watch them.
I think people who get their news from a tv station are idiots, anyways, because they ALL slant. I get my news from the Daily News newspaper (which presents fact-based journalism and opinion based articles that cover EVERYONE's views), and from Jon Stewart (leaning left) and Stephen Colbert (leaning right). I consider myself extremely well informed. Quiz me. Seriously.
You need to find a news source (even if it is a COMEDY based news source like the Onion or Jon and Stephen) that presents a fair and balanced view of the world. Respect yourself enough to examine every side of every issue rather than conforming to the opinion being fed to you.
See, everyone knows that news stations are owned by corporations with vested political interests. Thus, the news is never purely factual, but always has a slant. Fox News slants right. They do lie about many things. They do wrongfully fire their employees for wanting to tell the truth about instances they'd rather ignore. But they are a corporation and thats what corporations do. The best protest would simply be to stop watching them. If enough people did that, they would go off the air. Very simple. But many people LIKE Fox News. Because many people slant right. Is that a problem? Not to me.
There are lots of things WORTH protesting. But I think one of the most important things about a protest is to educate the public about a company to encourage a boycott. Like EXXON. Protest Exxon all day long!! I was amazed when the people at work told me how evil they are. I will never again buy Exxon gas. But everyone knows Fox News has a conservative bias. Everyone knows they chose not to air President Obama's speech in April. If you care, you stopped watching them. If you don't, you watch them.
I think people who get their news from a tv station are idiots, anyways, because they ALL slant. I get my news from the Daily News newspaper (which presents fact-based journalism and opinion based articles that cover EVERYONE's views), and from Jon Stewart (leaning left) and Stephen Colbert (leaning right). I consider myself extremely well informed. Quiz me. Seriously.
You need to find a news source (even if it is a COMEDY based news source like the Onion or Jon and Stephen) that presents a fair and balanced view of the world. Respect yourself enough to examine every side of every issue rather than conforming to the opinion being fed to you.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Celebrities I'd really like to punch. In the face.
So facebook has this application where you can pick 5 people you want to punch in the face. This is fun. Ridiculously fun! Mean? Sure. But that's the world we live in. Unfortunately, as fun as this application is, it simply isn't satisfying. Firstly, you can only pick FIVE. FIVE. I can think of a hundred I want to punch. Also, it doesn't allow you to justify yourself. So I have simply moved the idea to this forum. Because, well, I can say whatever I want. Haha. Take that, facebook.
In NO particular order, I would like to punch the following people in the face. I will stop only when I get tired of typing. It may be continued another day. Or many other days, depending on the tide of Hollywood.
Miley Cyrus. She's just plain annoying. She has such an ego and no talent. It's really quite sad that she thinks she's special and the only people who actually think so are brainless tweens. Ugh.
Amanda Bynes. I've always hated her. There's something about her lack of facial depth and gravelly voice that just irks me.
Tori Spelling. Was she ever cool? I mean ever? I know I'm too young for Melrose and all, but really. I'm over her. And I also think a punch could only help her face...
Anne Hathaway. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Anne. She's great. But her decision to do Bride Wars was so dumb, it deserves a punch in the face.
Rush Limbaugh. 'Nuff said.
Paris Hilton. 'Nuff said.
Perez Hilton. Why the fuck is this guy famous? He's not funny. Or clever. And I think his reaction to Carrie Prejean was incredibly hypocritical. Do I agree with her? HELL no. Do I think she has a right to her opinion? HELL yes. I hope no one condemns my beliefs and the way I live. And no one should condemn hers. She didn't say she was against gay marriage because faggots deserve to rot in hell. That's what people say to ME every day as I canvass for the HRC. She presented her views in a respectful, albeit terribly worded, way.
The Olson Twins. EAT SOMETHING! I would punch them in the face so they'd go to the hospital and be fed 6000 calories a day via IV. hehehe.
Cassie Wilson. OMG. My new favorite girl to hate.
Mandy Patinkin. He did NOT stop for gay rights the other day on the street. I was upset.
Alec Baldwin. There's just too much of him on tv these days and I'm sorry but I'm totally over the underacting-while-smiling-with-my-eyes-and-lowering-my-voice-to-a-rasp thing. Definite punch needed.
Elizabeth Hasselback. Seriously, who likes this girl? Does ANYONE think she is smart? Because anyone who does must be even stupider than she is and that's hard to achieve.
Kirstie Alley. I'm pretty sure she gained back all that weight because she was amazed that she got more attention for losing weight than she ever got for acting. And the attention would only continue if SHE continued to change sizes. So now she's up. And she'll go back down. And probably back up.
okkkkkk...tired now. Long week at work. This will be continued. And I would love input...
In NO particular order, I would like to punch the following people in the face. I will stop only when I get tired of typing. It may be continued another day. Or many other days, depending on the tide of Hollywood.
Miley Cyrus. She's just plain annoying. She has such an ego and no talent. It's really quite sad that she thinks she's special and the only people who actually think so are brainless tweens. Ugh.
Amanda Bynes. I've always hated her. There's something about her lack of facial depth and gravelly voice that just irks me.
Tori Spelling. Was she ever cool? I mean ever? I know I'm too young for Melrose and all, but really. I'm over her. And I also think a punch could only help her face...
Anne Hathaway. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Anne. She's great. But her decision to do Bride Wars was so dumb, it deserves a punch in the face.
Rush Limbaugh. 'Nuff said.
Paris Hilton. 'Nuff said.
Perez Hilton. Why the fuck is this guy famous? He's not funny. Or clever. And I think his reaction to Carrie Prejean was incredibly hypocritical. Do I agree with her? HELL no. Do I think she has a right to her opinion? HELL yes. I hope no one condemns my beliefs and the way I live. And no one should condemn hers. She didn't say she was against gay marriage because faggots deserve to rot in hell. That's what people say to ME every day as I canvass for the HRC. She presented her views in a respectful, albeit terribly worded, way.
The Olson Twins. EAT SOMETHING! I would punch them in the face so they'd go to the hospital and be fed 6000 calories a day via IV. hehehe.
Cassie Wilson. OMG. My new favorite girl to hate.
Mandy Patinkin. He did NOT stop for gay rights the other day on the street. I was upset.
Alec Baldwin. There's just too much of him on tv these days and I'm sorry but I'm totally over the underacting-while-smiling-with-my-eyes-and-lowering-my-voice-to-a-rasp thing. Definite punch needed.
Elizabeth Hasselback. Seriously, who likes this girl? Does ANYONE think she is smart? Because anyone who does must be even stupider than she is and that's hard to achieve.
Kirstie Alley. I'm pretty sure she gained back all that weight because she was amazed that she got more attention for losing weight than she ever got for acting. And the attention would only continue if SHE continued to change sizes. So now she's up. And she'll go back down. And probably back up.
okkkkkk...tired now. Long week at work. This will be continued. And I would love input...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Apathy vs. Fear
Ok, here's the deal people: don't claim that you believe in something if you are unwilling to do a damn thing about it. Not registered to vote? Keep your mouth shut entirely! Hate the war in Iraq? What have you done to stop it? Believe in equal rights for all human beings? How can you prove it?
My priest back home once said, "you can tell what people value by what they spend their money and their time on." And it's entirely true. If you say you care about the environment, but haven't paid more money for energy efficient appliances, grocery tote bags, brita filters, etc, then you are a LIAR.
Which brings me to gay rights. Right now, I am working for the Human Rights Campaign and spending all day every day attempting to get people involved with our efforts. So often, people say they don't have a minute of time to talk about the issues or a dime to give. UNACCEPTABLE! I have MORE respect for the people on the opposition, screaming themselves ignorant at rallies against gay rights than for the apathetic people who pass right by with not an inclination to stop. Honestly. Whatever you believe, you are entitled. Fight for it! Fight for it with all you have.
The reason that SHIT like Proposition 8 happens is because the people who FEAR gay and lesbian civil rights put far more time and money into fighting against them than people who support them. Most people - gays and lesbians included - are actually totally apathetic to the issues. They figure we'll get there eventually. They maybe hope that we will. Or, at worst, they simply don't mind if it happens or not. GET A CLUE! This is too important not to care about!
Take a side! Take a stance! If you are against gay rights, you have my full support to fight against them. I hope you lose, honestly. But please fight. If you are FOR gay rights, FIGHT FOR THEM! Give your voice, your time, and YES your money to achieving equal rights for all. Stop being a dumbass who talks a good game and does nothing to actually support what you believe in. You are making me miserable and ruining all my faith in humanity. And you are causing the Right to win.
Give a minute
Give a dollar
Give a piece of your mind
My priest back home once said, "you can tell what people value by what they spend their money and their time on." And it's entirely true. If you say you care about the environment, but haven't paid more money for energy efficient appliances, grocery tote bags, brita filters, etc, then you are a LIAR.
Which brings me to gay rights. Right now, I am working for the Human Rights Campaign and spending all day every day attempting to get people involved with our efforts. So often, people say they don't have a minute of time to talk about the issues or a dime to give. UNACCEPTABLE! I have MORE respect for the people on the opposition, screaming themselves ignorant at rallies against gay rights than for the apathetic people who pass right by with not an inclination to stop. Honestly. Whatever you believe, you are entitled. Fight for it! Fight for it with all you have.
The reason that SHIT like Proposition 8 happens is because the people who FEAR gay and lesbian civil rights put far more time and money into fighting against them than people who support them. Most people - gays and lesbians included - are actually totally apathetic to the issues. They figure we'll get there eventually. They maybe hope that we will. Or, at worst, they simply don't mind if it happens or not. GET A CLUE! This is too important not to care about!
Take a side! Take a stance! If you are against gay rights, you have my full support to fight against them. I hope you lose, honestly. But please fight. If you are FOR gay rights, FIGHT FOR THEM! Give your voice, your time, and YES your money to achieving equal rights for all. Stop being a dumbass who talks a good game and does nothing to actually support what you believe in. You are making me miserable and ruining all my faith in humanity. And you are causing the Right to win.
Give a minute
Give a dollar
Give a piece of your mind
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
3rd Date Dinner
We can all agree that the 3rd date is crucially important. Whether or not you belong to the "third date sex club," I think we all agree that you don't go on more than 3 dates with a person who is not relationship material. Why waste the time? And money? Well, here is the perfect way to determine if a guy should stick around. Now, mind you, there is only one man in my life who has ever passed this test: he was my longest relationship. There are many that I continued dating even though they failed multiple elements. These have not worked out. At all. That is why I know the test is foolproof.
So, on the third date, invite the man to your place and offer to cook dinner. Now, i admit: there is a danger in inviting a man over. He will assume that sex is on the menu. But no matter; if he doesn't pass, you have an excuse to kick him out. And if he does: HAVE AT IT! It is a rare man indeed who can pass the test.
1. He must be ON TIME. Anyone can force themselves to be on time if there are play/movie tickets/reservations involved. But many people - inconsiderate people - think that if you are going to someone's house, you don't need to be on time. The late man is the same one who will forget to call you for days in a row. He will forget your birthday. He will blow off an important event. RUN.
2. He must bring wine. Or dessert. Or both. Any person who goes to someone else's house for dinner and doesn't bring something has not been raised correctly! If a boy shows up without anything (or with only a 6pack of beer ewww), his mama didn't raise him right. And there will be many other skills he will be lacking: namely, respect for women in general, which is also taught by the mother.
3. He MUST offer to help you cook. If he sits on his ass while you cook, god help you. He is either lazy or misogynistic or BOTH. Gross! Now, don't kick him out on the spot: he may offer to do the dishes AFTER dinner. This is an acceptable substitution. Perfectly valid. In some cases, much better!
4. Now this one is on you: conveniently "forget" to bring an important item to the table. I suggest a napkin. If he doesn't NOTICE that a napkin is missing and wipes his mouth on his shoulder or hand, this is a BAD SIGN. He is a slob. He will dirty up your apartment and bathroom. He will try to have sex with you unshowered. If he does notice, but asks YOU to retrieve it, he is a chauvanist pig. Steer clear. If he notices and jumps up to get one for each of you, he has passed!
5. Does he eat dessert? He had BETTER eat dessert!! if he doesn't, the kid is crazy about fitness and weight and will be really mean to you about what you eat. He will ask you if you know the calorie count of every item of food. Do you want this man in your life? The one who encourages bulimia? I sure don't. KEEP LOOKING! Nothing is quite as important as this dessert thing. Trust me.
And for tomorrow: the idiots of the world/proposition 8. It will be full of wrath, which I am quite good at.
So, on the third date, invite the man to your place and offer to cook dinner. Now, i admit: there is a danger in inviting a man over. He will assume that sex is on the menu. But no matter; if he doesn't pass, you have an excuse to kick him out. And if he does: HAVE AT IT! It is a rare man indeed who can pass the test.
1. He must be ON TIME. Anyone can force themselves to be on time if there are play/movie tickets/reservations involved. But many people - inconsiderate people - think that if you are going to someone's house, you don't need to be on time. The late man is the same one who will forget to call you for days in a row. He will forget your birthday. He will blow off an important event. RUN.
2. He must bring wine. Or dessert. Or both. Any person who goes to someone else's house for dinner and doesn't bring something has not been raised correctly! If a boy shows up without anything (or with only a 6pack of beer ewww), his mama didn't raise him right. And there will be many other skills he will be lacking: namely, respect for women in general, which is also taught by the mother.
3. He MUST offer to help you cook. If he sits on his ass while you cook, god help you. He is either lazy or misogynistic or BOTH. Gross! Now, don't kick him out on the spot: he may offer to do the dishes AFTER dinner. This is an acceptable substitution. Perfectly valid. In some cases, much better!
4. Now this one is on you: conveniently "forget" to bring an important item to the table. I suggest a napkin. If he doesn't NOTICE that a napkin is missing and wipes his mouth on his shoulder or hand, this is a BAD SIGN. He is a slob. He will dirty up your apartment and bathroom. He will try to have sex with you unshowered. If he does notice, but asks YOU to retrieve it, he is a chauvanist pig. Steer clear. If he notices and jumps up to get one for each of you, he has passed!
5. Does he eat dessert? He had BETTER eat dessert!! if he doesn't, the kid is crazy about fitness and weight and will be really mean to you about what you eat. He will ask you if you know the calorie count of every item of food. Do you want this man in your life? The one who encourages bulimia? I sure don't. KEEP LOOKING! Nothing is quite as important as this dessert thing. Trust me.
And for tomorrow: the idiots of the world/proposition 8. It will be full of wrath, which I am quite good at.
Monday, May 25, 2009
About Online Dating...
I don't know how many people out there are on a dating site - I'd venture to guess MOST of you are or have been at some point - but the truth is, it's fucking great. PLEASE give me a run-down before we get into anything. It's too easy to forgive deal-breakers when you are horny in a bar. True story. But, when you get a list ahead of time, you can determine quite easily if the person is worth a minute. Drop-out? Sorry! 5'5"? Keep walking. Republican? Yeah, you won't like me.
And now a minute to discuss pictures. Pictures are the single most important thing on a dating site. Now, before you go thinking I'm shallow, give me a minute to explain. Lord knows I have dated my fair share of ugly men. If you have dated me and are reading this, go ahead and assume I am talking about you. I probably am. The picture has nothing to do with looks. It is the BEST way to assess a person's character (flaws). Below is a list of red-flag pictures.
1. A photo of a guy in a wifebeater and sunglasses: Bad news. This guy is a misogynist pig. He will date rape you. Usually this guy will be posing in a doorway - that's another bad sign. I'm not sure of the psychology of it, but only assholes pose in doorways wearing wifebeaters and sunglasses. And you'd be surprised how many do...
2. A photo of a guy with a bunch of hot girls: Loser. This guy is shallow and probably never has sex but tells everyone he does. You do NOT want to get mixed up in his drama. If you do bed him out of pity, he will not call you for another date. He WILL call you. But only when he is horny and wants to tell his friends he has someone he can bang.
3. A group of photos of the guy but every single one has a mountain, waterfall, fishing boat, etc in the background: sexually incompetent. He's determined to prove that he's adventurous outside the bedroom because, well, he ISNT adventurous inside the bedroom.
4. A photo of a guy with a big dog: TINY penis. Guaranteed.
5. A photo of a guy obviously taken by himself: Anti-social loser. I mean, really?! You don't have a SINGLE photo that someone else took of you? Not one facebook pic you can transfer? Yeah, this guy is AWKWARD and dating him will be like dating your weird uncle. It doesn't matter if he's rich. It doesn't even matter if he's good looking. He's too awkward for words, guaranteed.
Those are the basic five to steer clear of. I'll let you figure out the rest ;) Because, honestly, what is more entertaining for the rest of the world than your bad date stories?
And for tomorrow: why a 3rd date dinner will tell you everything you need to know about a guy.
And now a minute to discuss pictures. Pictures are the single most important thing on a dating site. Now, before you go thinking I'm shallow, give me a minute to explain. Lord knows I have dated my fair share of ugly men. If you have dated me and are reading this, go ahead and assume I am talking about you. I probably am. The picture has nothing to do with looks. It is the BEST way to assess a person's character (flaws). Below is a list of red-flag pictures.
1. A photo of a guy in a wifebeater and sunglasses: Bad news. This guy is a misogynist pig. He will date rape you. Usually this guy will be posing in a doorway - that's another bad sign. I'm not sure of the psychology of it, but only assholes pose in doorways wearing wifebeaters and sunglasses. And you'd be surprised how many do...
2. A photo of a guy with a bunch of hot girls: Loser. This guy is shallow and probably never has sex but tells everyone he does. You do NOT want to get mixed up in his drama. If you do bed him out of pity, he will not call you for another date. He WILL call you. But only when he is horny and wants to tell his friends he has someone he can bang.
3. A group of photos of the guy but every single one has a mountain, waterfall, fishing boat, etc in the background: sexually incompetent. He's determined to prove that he's adventurous outside the bedroom because, well, he ISNT adventurous inside the bedroom.
4. A photo of a guy with a big dog: TINY penis. Guaranteed.
5. A photo of a guy obviously taken by himself: Anti-social loser. I mean, really?! You don't have a SINGLE photo that someone else took of you? Not one facebook pic you can transfer? Yeah, this guy is AWKWARD and dating him will be like dating your weird uncle. It doesn't matter if he's rich. It doesn't even matter if he's good looking. He's too awkward for words, guaranteed.
Those are the basic five to steer clear of. I'll let you figure out the rest ;) Because, honestly, what is more entertaining for the rest of the world than your bad date stories?
And for tomorrow: why a 3rd date dinner will tell you everything you need to know about a guy.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The importance of cooling one's home
Having moved to the thriving metropolis we call the Big Apple from the hot and humid south, I thought that winter would be my greatest challenge. It was awful. Yes. Truly awful. And now that we are into summer, one would assume that everything would be easy for me. I'm used to working outdoors in the heat and driving a car with no A/C. What could the city throw at me that I wouldn't be able to sweat through?
Well, it's simple. Due to some laws of physics or something that I do not understand, my apartment is unnaturally hot. I did not turn on my heat once during the entire frigid winter. In fact, the windows were open most days. So now that the temperature is reasonable, my apartment is unbearable.
Off to Target for a window unit! After spending the last $100 I earned at David's Bridal Shop of Horrors, I painstakingly carried the heavy unit home and up the stairs, thinking to myself that I really should have gone on Biggest Loser this season so maybe this task would be easier for me.
Of course, once I opened the package, I found the giant book full of instructions that make no sense. And, as it turns out, window units are illegal in my building so they have built the windows to make it impossible to install a/c units correctly.
I spent a good part of the afternoon with my toolbox, trying to convince myself I was handy, before I just gave up and plunked the damn thing on the window sill. It works!!!! Now I'm sure that because it is not installed remotely correctly, I will probably have an explosion at any minute. But in the meantime, the 10 foot radius around the unit is wonderfully cool. And who needs more than 10 feet of cool space? Sleeping on the floor is supposed to be good for your back...
successful endeavor? You bet! i would never admit that I wasted a whole 100 dollars.
Well, it's simple. Due to some laws of physics or something that I do not understand, my apartment is unnaturally hot. I did not turn on my heat once during the entire frigid winter. In fact, the windows were open most days. So now that the temperature is reasonable, my apartment is unbearable.
Off to Target for a window unit! After spending the last $100 I earned at David's Bridal Shop of Horrors, I painstakingly carried the heavy unit home and up the stairs, thinking to myself that I really should have gone on Biggest Loser this season so maybe this task would be easier for me.
Of course, once I opened the package, I found the giant book full of instructions that make no sense. And, as it turns out, window units are illegal in my building so they have built the windows to make it impossible to install a/c units correctly.
I spent a good part of the afternoon with my toolbox, trying to convince myself I was handy, before I just gave up and plunked the damn thing on the window sill. It works!!!! Now I'm sure that because it is not installed remotely correctly, I will probably have an explosion at any minute. But in the meantime, the 10 foot radius around the unit is wonderfully cool. And who needs more than 10 feet of cool space? Sleeping on the floor is supposed to be good for your back...
successful endeavor? You bet! i would never admit that I wasted a whole 100 dollars.
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