Oh lord. So...after knowing nothing for real about the world of performance art except what you see on tv (which is largely just a farcical representation), I spent an evening trying to get into this modern theatrical bullshit. Obviously, I am unconverted.
Jason takes me to this studio in Brooklyn - no shoes allowed and everyone sits on the floor - and watch a bunch of people who probably never got cast in high school crawl around the floor in their leotards and pretend that the words they are saying are meaningful.
1. Leotards are unflattering. They make women look like children and men look....well, i will just say if you've got nothing to flaunt, PLEASE don't. I mean really. You make me sit on the floor. So I am eye level with your crotch. And if what you've got amounts to a baby carrot, maybe you should consider pants. Just maybe. And ladies - cover the nipples. Really. NuBra makes petals for a reason.
2. Spaz attacks are not art. They never will be. And your willingness to have several onstage does not make you an artist. It makes you silly.
3. Repetition is also not art. Something is not significant merely because you choose to repeat it in different voices a hundred times over.
4. If you insist on forcing your audience to participate, you must be prepared for the fact that some of us (*cough cough ME*) will simply want to embarrass you. Isn't that what your art is about? The TRUTH about humanity? You being utterly HUMAN in front of us and forcing us to face the hard truth about ourselves? Well the truth about me is I want to humiliate you because I think you are foolish anyhow.
To elaborate on #4, this chick asks us before the show to write down our fantasies for her to act out. She lists her skills, costumes, and props and we are supposed to fill out a madlibs type thing. Now, given the rest of her act, she is obviously hoping to act out people's sexual fantasies. But that was unspecified. And I like to make my own rules.
And she picked me. I didn't volunteer.
So I read my fantasy: I want Rebecca to recite Lady MacBeth's Unsex me Here speech while demonstrating her flexibility wearing fake teeth and holding a gun.
Hahahahahaha. I laugh just thinking about this. The poor girl - i really do feel a little bad - stands on one leg with the other behind her head trying to recite Shakespeare with these giant fake teeth that keep falling out of her mouth. Plus she's holding a gun. For no real reason but at least it gave her some balance. I hope. And she takes herself so seriously!! She really does! And everyone is trying not to laugh (except me cuz I can't help it) but it's so funny watching her try to annunciate the Bard with these vampire teeth. And her spit is flying. And she's stumbling.
And I am a bitch. but at least for those 5 minutes, I was entertained.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Go Hilary
Am I the only one who thinks Hillary is AWESOME for going off on that woman? I applaude you, Hil. I don't really care if the question was messed up in translation - blame the translator, then. Same rant applies to her. I love Bill but HILLARY is the secretary of state. She's right. Her husband's opinion doesn't matter any more than hers did when he was prez. I can't ever recall anyone asking HIM what SHE thought.
In other news, some chick wrote a book about her affair with Bernie Madoff. It's supposed to be scandalous? How? I could have told you that he cheated on his wife and had a small penis. Anyone could have. WHO finds this surprising?? Like really? Who? Because that person knows NOTHING about people.
In other news, some chick wrote a book about her affair with Bernie Madoff. It's supposed to be scandalous? How? I could have told you that he cheated on his wife and had a small penis. Anyone could have. WHO finds this surprising?? Like really? Who? Because that person knows NOTHING about people.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Commercials
Now, everyone hates commercials so it's kind of dumb to complain about them. But it really irks me when commercials defy logic. How hard is it to make a 15 second thing logical?? I mean, really! You can't be logical for 15 seconds?
1. there's a security system commercial. I don't know exactly what brand. But a mom is playing outside with her daughter. A creepster peeks in on them. They go in the house and turn on the security system. The creepster comes in, hears the alarm, and leaves as the security guys call the house to see if everyone is ok.
So here are the major gaps in logic:
the creepster is much more likely to attack OUTSIDE. After all, there is a fence to hide his deeds from the neighbors. And it would be much easier to catch them off guard outside. If they own a gun, it's not going to be outside. Nor are the kitchen knives. Or telephones.
NO ONE turns on a security system when coming inside for a drink of water in the middle of the afternoon. People use them at night. Some people use them every time they are out of the house. But NO ONE hits that button every single time they walk in the door. That's dumb.
The dumbest thing to do if a creepster enters the house is run upstairs. You are trapping yourself.
NO ONE stops to enter the phone when they are in danger. They might pick it up to call 911. But if you are running away from a creepster, you don't stop to answer a PHONE.
2. The new Activia commerical. This woman sits down and complains about constipation. Her friend tells her to take Activia. She says her occassional irregularity is "not that serious" and says she doesn't need to take such drastic measures. The friend encourages her to try it because even occassional irregularity is a problem.
the gaps in logic:
ACTIVIA IS YOGURT. YOGURT. It is not a treatment option or a medicine. IT IS A YOGURT. So why portray it as a medicine? It's a yogurt with good bacteria. Yippy. The girl NOT WANTING to eat the yogurt because her condition is NOT THAT BAD makes it seem like this is an unpleasant thing and should only be taken IF you are irregular. Well. It is yogurt. It is yummy. And it happens to be good for your insides. Why not market it to people as a yummy, healthy food? Seems to me like that's a better idea.
and there are many others. but im too tired to rant any longer.
1. there's a security system commercial. I don't know exactly what brand. But a mom is playing outside with her daughter. A creepster peeks in on them. They go in the house and turn on the security system. The creepster comes in, hears the alarm, and leaves as the security guys call the house to see if everyone is ok.
So here are the major gaps in logic:
the creepster is much more likely to attack OUTSIDE. After all, there is a fence to hide his deeds from the neighbors. And it would be much easier to catch them off guard outside. If they own a gun, it's not going to be outside. Nor are the kitchen knives. Or telephones.
NO ONE turns on a security system when coming inside for a drink of water in the middle of the afternoon. People use them at night. Some people use them every time they are out of the house. But NO ONE hits that button every single time they walk in the door. That's dumb.
The dumbest thing to do if a creepster enters the house is run upstairs. You are trapping yourself.
NO ONE stops to enter the phone when they are in danger. They might pick it up to call 911. But if you are running away from a creepster, you don't stop to answer a PHONE.
2. The new Activia commerical. This woman sits down and complains about constipation. Her friend tells her to take Activia. She says her occassional irregularity is "not that serious" and says she doesn't need to take such drastic measures. The friend encourages her to try it because even occassional irregularity is a problem.
the gaps in logic:
ACTIVIA IS YOGURT. YOGURT. It is not a treatment option or a medicine. IT IS A YOGURT. So why portray it as a medicine? It's a yogurt with good bacteria. Yippy. The girl NOT WANTING to eat the yogurt because her condition is NOT THAT BAD makes it seem like this is an unpleasant thing and should only be taken IF you are irregular. Well. It is yogurt. It is yummy. And it happens to be good for your insides. Why not market it to people as a yummy, healthy food? Seems to me like that's a better idea.
and there are many others. but im too tired to rant any longer.
Monday, August 10, 2009
MY WOMANIFESTO
If you are a woman and you haven't read the book CUNT by Inga Muscio, listen up: put down WHATEVER you are doing, call in sick to work, get some caffeine and READ IT. It is probably the most important thing you will ever read. I make sure to read it at least once every six months. Every time I do, I find passages that hit me as they didn't before.
In the book, Inga gives her Womanifesto and insists that all women do the same. I never have before. I always decide I need to think about it more, work on it for a long time. But as a writer, i know there is an endless opportunity for rewrite. Soooo...this is unpolished and we will call it DRAFT 1.
I need to write this today because I am TIRED of being groped on the streets with no recourse. I am TIRED of being leered at. I am TIRED of having men whisper all kinds of disgusting things to me as I pass them on the street.
WOMANIFESTO, Lori style
I will love my goddess body every day whether I am bloated, fat, bleeding, or broken out because of the amazing things it can do
I will not tolerate anyone touching my goddess body without asking for AND receiving permission
I will wear whatever shoes I choose; heels if I want even though men think I am already too tall, flats if I want because I do not need to be in pain to be beautiful, and no shoes at all if there is something I want to wiggle my toes in
I will wear my hair exactly as I want. I will only comb it on days that I feel so inclined. I will only style it on days when I feel so inclined. It will always look fabulous.
I will not allow any man to make decisions for me. I will not allow my jealousy for any woman to drive me.
All of my artistic and personal endeavors will be done with idea of glorifying all goddesses everywhere.
I have the right to tell one man to ravish me and another to slow down; to stay all night in the arms of one man and leave another as soon as I am satisfied.
I can love my independence and crave companionship simultaneously.
I can refuse to remain in ANY room, ANY situation, and with ANY person that does not respect cunts and cuntlovers
NO man will ever complete me as I am a whole and complete and wonderful individual; however, I will search for someone who can enhance my life and balance my spirit.
I will enjoy the cycle of my body and allow myself to feel as I feel. I will not apologize for PMS, I will not be embarrassed to bleed, I will not hide my arousal or lack thereof. And I will never ever again fake that fantastic moment that men have little interest in actually bringing about.
If you do not satisfy me, I will show you how. If you are uninterested, you are unworthy.
I will never stop fighting for the safety of my kind; never stop yelling about the ATROCITY of rape and the miracle of cuntloving men.
I will never allow a man to convince me a condom is restrictive, because even STDs have a chauvinist tendency. And any man who can't wear a condom does not have the ability to please me in any way whatsoever. And never did ;)
I accept that I am attracted to men and fascinated by women; I can appreciate the feel of a cock and the beauty of a cunt.
I will never say no when I mean yes as that inevitably leads to the repulsive rape of another goddess. When I say no, I will mean no and not change my mind. When I say no and you don't listen, I will show the same violence towards you and you have demonstrated toward me.
I am free not only to be who I am but to love who I am.
In the book, Inga gives her Womanifesto and insists that all women do the same. I never have before. I always decide I need to think about it more, work on it for a long time. But as a writer, i know there is an endless opportunity for rewrite. Soooo...this is unpolished and we will call it DRAFT 1.
I need to write this today because I am TIRED of being groped on the streets with no recourse. I am TIRED of being leered at. I am TIRED of having men whisper all kinds of disgusting things to me as I pass them on the street.
WOMANIFESTO, Lori style
I will love my goddess body every day whether I am bloated, fat, bleeding, or broken out because of the amazing things it can do
I will not tolerate anyone touching my goddess body without asking for AND receiving permission
I will wear whatever shoes I choose; heels if I want even though men think I am already too tall, flats if I want because I do not need to be in pain to be beautiful, and no shoes at all if there is something I want to wiggle my toes in
I will wear my hair exactly as I want. I will only comb it on days that I feel so inclined. I will only style it on days when I feel so inclined. It will always look fabulous.
I will not allow any man to make decisions for me. I will not allow my jealousy for any woman to drive me.
All of my artistic and personal endeavors will be done with idea of glorifying all goddesses everywhere.
I have the right to tell one man to ravish me and another to slow down; to stay all night in the arms of one man and leave another as soon as I am satisfied.
I can love my independence and crave companionship simultaneously.
I can refuse to remain in ANY room, ANY situation, and with ANY person that does not respect cunts and cuntlovers
NO man will ever complete me as I am a whole and complete and wonderful individual; however, I will search for someone who can enhance my life and balance my spirit.
I will enjoy the cycle of my body and allow myself to feel as I feel. I will not apologize for PMS, I will not be embarrassed to bleed, I will not hide my arousal or lack thereof. And I will never ever again fake that fantastic moment that men have little interest in actually bringing about.
If you do not satisfy me, I will show you how. If you are uninterested, you are unworthy.
I will never stop fighting for the safety of my kind; never stop yelling about the ATROCITY of rape and the miracle of cuntloving men.
I will never allow a man to convince me a condom is restrictive, because even STDs have a chauvinist tendency. And any man who can't wear a condom does not have the ability to please me in any way whatsoever. And never did ;)
I accept that I am attracted to men and fascinated by women; I can appreciate the feel of a cock and the beauty of a cunt.
I will never say no when I mean yes as that inevitably leads to the repulsive rape of another goddess. When I say no, I will mean no and not change my mind. When I say no and you don't listen, I will show the same violence towards you and you have demonstrated toward me.
I am free not only to be who I am but to love who I am.
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