These people drive me completely crazy. Obviously, we have glorified the images of hippies from the 70s, perhaps fairly or perhaps not, but these cooky modern-day hippies should retreat back into the slime from which they were spawned. New York is crawling with them. They are dirty, smelly, unwashed, dreadlock and hemp wearing weirdos. They ride bikes and eat out of trash cans, proclaiming that Americans are evil for throwing out enough food to feed all the hungry in the world. They play bongo drums and sit in doorways, begging for money. But if they love the environment so much, why are they spending time in NYC??? It's a metropolis. You should be living in a shack on Walden pond, right? that would make sense. Self sufficiency is ACTUALLY natural. Not sitting and begging for money.
And you know what REALLY pisses me off? They all have cell phones. And usually Ipods. Don't talk about evil American consumerism and waste, pretending to promote "Nature" and earthliness, and then CHAT on a cell phone! Live it or don't, I don't care, but stop with the hypocrisy. I will NEVER give money to the travelling hippie who wants to pay a cell phone bill. Puh-lease. Nature or technology, take your pick. Being Natural requires hard labor, being technological requires a stable job that pays money. PICK ONE. And leave me alone.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
AND....a trick for women
Hair. Seriously. If you run your fingers through a man's hair, he is yours. That's the whole secret. Find a reason to do it - but definitely do it. If you want a man to kiss you and he just won't quite make the move, run your fingers through his hair. Done. making out in no time. Want him to relax so you can get the truth out of him? Head massage. Before kissing, after years of a relationship, or (and most especially) during sex: best move ever. That's all.
you're welcome.
PS - use this SPARINGLY. see, the whole reason it works is that men have super sensitive nerves on their heads because they don't spend hours brushing, curling, blowing, straightening, coloring, etc like we do. We've killed our nerve endings. They haven't. But if you do this often, you will desensitize them. Then you'll have to find something else.
you're welcome.
PS - use this SPARINGLY. see, the whole reason it works is that men have super sensitive nerves on their heads because they don't spend hours brushing, curling, blowing, straightening, coloring, etc like we do. We've killed our nerve endings. They haven't. But if you do this often, you will desensitize them. Then you'll have to find something else.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Eye Contact
Men, I'm giving you the key. Really. Because I figured out how you can get any girl to fall in love with you after much careful study and research and...oh, fine, just my own stupid experience. EYE CONTACT. It's amazing. When the girl talks, look deeply into her eyes. Smile. That's it. That's the whole trick. Seems simple? It is!!
Just remember NOT to do that when she isn't talking. If she's talking to her friend and you are staring deeply into her eyes, that's a bad thing. Creepy. Stalker. Weirdo. But if she's talking to you and you make it seem like it's the most important thing in the world, she'll be hooked.
One of my loves never looked at me when I talked. He would always say "honey, I know what you look like. I'm listening. But I do that with my ears. I'm using my eyes to see everything else around." That's good logic, honestly. But it sucks. And prolly why it didn't work out.
By looking in a girl's eyes, you are telling her that SHE is not only the most important thing in the room, but the most imaginably important thing in the room. She will feel like you are desperate to know more, like you can see straight through her walls.
This works in bed, too. You want a girl to think you're good in bed?? Forget all your tricks and training. Just look at her. Soooooo simple. If she feels like you aren't just fucking to fuck - and that you want HER....well, that's it. You're fabulous. You can have her anytime you want. This is why any position where eye contact is impossible or uncomfortable is a terrible idea on the first couple go-rounds.
And you want to know what sucks? Even though i KNOW this now, I still fall for it every time. Meet a guy on the train and he stares deeply into my eyes? HOOKED. Meet a guy at a bar and he stares deeply into my eyes? LET's GO! A friend from school who grabs me in the hallway and stares deeply into my eyes? OMFG SOULMATE.
Don't worry, women, there's a secret for you, too. I'll post that next time ;)
Just remember NOT to do that when she isn't talking. If she's talking to her friend and you are staring deeply into her eyes, that's a bad thing. Creepy. Stalker. Weirdo. But if she's talking to you and you make it seem like it's the most important thing in the world, she'll be hooked.
One of my loves never looked at me when I talked. He would always say "honey, I know what you look like. I'm listening. But I do that with my ears. I'm using my eyes to see everything else around." That's good logic, honestly. But it sucks. And prolly why it didn't work out.
By looking in a girl's eyes, you are telling her that SHE is not only the most important thing in the room, but the most imaginably important thing in the room. She will feel like you are desperate to know more, like you can see straight through her walls.
This works in bed, too. You want a girl to think you're good in bed?? Forget all your tricks and training. Just look at her. Soooooo simple. If she feels like you aren't just fucking to fuck - and that you want HER....well, that's it. You're fabulous. You can have her anytime you want. This is why any position where eye contact is impossible or uncomfortable is a terrible idea on the first couple go-rounds.
And you want to know what sucks? Even though i KNOW this now, I still fall for it every time. Meet a guy on the train and he stares deeply into my eyes? HOOKED. Meet a guy at a bar and he stares deeply into my eyes? LET's GO! A friend from school who grabs me in the hallway and stares deeply into my eyes? OMFG SOULMATE.
Don't worry, women, there's a secret for you, too. I'll post that next time ;)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Growing Up...is hard to do
It's hard to argue against the fact that young folk (note the sarcasting usage of that description) seem devastatingly attracted to DRAMA. Sometimes in friendships and family dynamics, and ALWAYS in relationships. It's the guy who doesn't call when he says he will, but then finally does, but then sends mixed signals, but then kisses you, but then dumps you, but then says he can't live without you....well, you know the story. He's the one who gets your attention. We have ALL been there. On both sides of the equation - sometimes we are thrown hither and thither and sometimes we do the throwing. It's always more noticeable BEING thrown than throwing. Sadly.
ANYWAYS...the prevelent theory is that at some point in our lives, we reach a stage where we grow up and decide to "settle down." No more drama, no more craziness, no more irrationality. Just basic love. Inside a day-to-day routine. Occassionally shaken up by Hallmark produced holidays like Valentine's Day.
So which is better? The butterflies? The stability?
I have gotten to a point where I am convinced that what I really want is stability. I am not looking to get married, but I will not waste time and energy I do not have on the losers who only want to cause drama. I need someone honest, responsible, financially secure, educated, etc.
But then the "drama situation" throws a text my way. Or many. And I sink back into the sea of insecurity, intrigue, manipulation, sexy irresponsibility....
Catch me, I'm falling. Catch me, I'm falling. Catch me, I'm falling.
ANYWAYS...the prevelent theory is that at some point in our lives, we reach a stage where we grow up and decide to "settle down." No more drama, no more craziness, no more irrationality. Just basic love. Inside a day-to-day routine. Occassionally shaken up by Hallmark produced holidays like Valentine's Day.
So which is better? The butterflies? The stability?
I have gotten to a point where I am convinced that what I really want is stability. I am not looking to get married, but I will not waste time and energy I do not have on the losers who only want to cause drama. I need someone honest, responsible, financially secure, educated, etc.
But then the "drama situation" throws a text my way. Or many. And I sink back into the sea of insecurity, intrigue, manipulation, sexy irresponsibility....
Catch me, I'm falling. Catch me, I'm falling. Catch me, I'm falling.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What is the deal with February?
I feel like all the women around me are in heat. I cannot tell you the number of women who have expressed to me a desire for a man in their lives right now if they don't have one. It's very strange. I mean, you could understand it before Valentine's Day I suppose since many single women feel pressure to be in love on that day. But we're past it. Summer is around the corner, which is traditionally a great time to be single, and yet a myriad of women are desperate for a carnal and/or romantic connection. I wonder why that is.
Astrology is a take it or leave it thing for me. I do believe I am a LEO all the way, but a lot of people don't match their signs and whatnot. And horoscopes are more often wrong than right. But if you are telling me that there isn't something astrological that affects us, especially as women, you are way wrong. Working in a bridal shop taught me to pay attention to the moon. Full moon days meant I would have nothing but crazy customers. And there are certain periods of time where I felt like either everyone was breaking up or everyone was getting together. It happens in tides. And it isn't necessarily seasonal.
You'd expect that people get cabin fever in the winter and wish for someone to cuddle. But the trends, if I had written them down, don't follow weather as much as you would think. There's some cosmic thing that must be happening. And currently, the cosmos is making women all a little randy and needy. Take notice, men! If you are in the market for a girlfriend, now's the time to pounce.
Astrology is a take it or leave it thing for me. I do believe I am a LEO all the way, but a lot of people don't match their signs and whatnot. And horoscopes are more often wrong than right. But if you are telling me that there isn't something astrological that affects us, especially as women, you are way wrong. Working in a bridal shop taught me to pay attention to the moon. Full moon days meant I would have nothing but crazy customers. And there are certain periods of time where I felt like either everyone was breaking up or everyone was getting together. It happens in tides. And it isn't necessarily seasonal.
You'd expect that people get cabin fever in the winter and wish for someone to cuddle. But the trends, if I had written them down, don't follow weather as much as you would think. There's some cosmic thing that must be happening. And currently, the cosmos is making women all a little randy and needy. Take notice, men! If you are in the market for a girlfriend, now's the time to pounce.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Cigarette Men
Bad men are to your heart what cigarettes are to your lungs.
That's it. That's the whole truth. There's something forbiddenly tempting about them but they kill you, slowly, all the while aging you. They are more tempting when you are drinking, and less so when you are at the gym, feeling healthy and good about yourself. They tend to be addicting, even though those close to you warn you repeatedly how dangerous they are. They appeal the most to people with an oral fixation.
The most difficult thing is quitting. When you try, something drags you back. Even though you are healthier, more independent, more attractive, etc. There's a piece of you that NEEDS that taboo infusion of coolness and adulthood.
but I have quit smoking both literally and metaphorically. So - GOOD MEN ONLY NEED APPLY. This here is a smart, cool, non-smoking chick with a talent for cooking and dancing.
That's it. That's the whole truth. There's something forbiddenly tempting about them but they kill you, slowly, all the while aging you. They are more tempting when you are drinking, and less so when you are at the gym, feeling healthy and good about yourself. They tend to be addicting, even though those close to you warn you repeatedly how dangerous they are. They appeal the most to people with an oral fixation.
The most difficult thing is quitting. When you try, something drags you back. Even though you are healthier, more independent, more attractive, etc. There's a piece of you that NEEDS that taboo infusion of coolness and adulthood.
but I have quit smoking both literally and metaphorically. So - GOOD MEN ONLY NEED APPLY. This here is a smart, cool, non-smoking chick with a talent for cooking and dancing.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
LOL
When people who are either dating you or are interested in dating you choose IM as a method of communication, they should be aware of a few things.
1. DO NOT use the following abbreviations more than twice: lol, rofl, omg, idk. Each of these proves that you are stupid, immature, lazy, or all three. Which, if I am dating you, makes me reconsider. Because I do not want a mate who is any of those things. How hard is it to type out real words? Really.
2. A good transition into cyber sex does NOT begin with "cyber sex?" In the real world, have you found any person willing to sleep with you after hearing the phrase "wanna fuck?" Although there really isn't such a thing as 'cyber making love' and no one can claim that action as the least bit romantic, there is still a sexy way to initiate it and a gross way. Asking for it straight out is gross.
3. If I take a minute or two to respond, PLEASE do not type the requisite "?" It is pushy and presumptive. Maybe I was in the bathroom. Or grabbing something out of the oven. Maybe I received a phone call. MAYBE, just MAYBE your ridiculous IM is not the most important thing in my life. The "?" is offensive. I will respond when and if I choose. Do not rush me.
4. Suggesting a date over IM is uncool. Really. I'm no traditionalist. I don't wish for love letters, flowers, or even the man to pick up the check. But I do think that a TYPED (email, text, or IM) date suggestion is mega lame. Call me. Seriously. If you expect me to give up a night to spend with just you, I expect you to give up 3 minutes to call me up and ask me for it. I certainly call YOU when I have a date suggestion.
5. Emoticons are gay. And I NEVER use the word gay in a derogatory manner unless it is REALLY called for. If you feel that your tone cannot be properly expressed by IM, then...oh, right. CALL ME. Or figure out a way to express yourself with your words. As a playwright, I can assure you that tone can always be determined by words alone. If I wrote a script full of emoticons, it would never get produced.
1. DO NOT use the following abbreviations more than twice: lol, rofl, omg, idk. Each of these proves that you are stupid, immature, lazy, or all three. Which, if I am dating you, makes me reconsider. Because I do not want a mate who is any of those things. How hard is it to type out real words? Really.
2. A good transition into cyber sex does NOT begin with "cyber sex?" In the real world, have you found any person willing to sleep with you after hearing the phrase "wanna fuck?" Although there really isn't such a thing as 'cyber making love' and no one can claim that action as the least bit romantic, there is still a sexy way to initiate it and a gross way. Asking for it straight out is gross.
3. If I take a minute or two to respond, PLEASE do not type the requisite "?" It is pushy and presumptive. Maybe I was in the bathroom. Or grabbing something out of the oven. Maybe I received a phone call. MAYBE, just MAYBE your ridiculous IM is not the most important thing in my life. The "?" is offensive. I will respond when and if I choose. Do not rush me.
4. Suggesting a date over IM is uncool. Really. I'm no traditionalist. I don't wish for love letters, flowers, or even the man to pick up the check. But I do think that a TYPED (email, text, or IM) date suggestion is mega lame. Call me. Seriously. If you expect me to give up a night to spend with just you, I expect you to give up 3 minutes to call me up and ask me for it. I certainly call YOU when I have a date suggestion.
5. Emoticons are gay. And I NEVER use the word gay in a derogatory manner unless it is REALLY called for. If you feel that your tone cannot be properly expressed by IM, then...oh, right. CALL ME. Or figure out a way to express yourself with your words. As a playwright, I can assure you that tone can always be determined by words alone. If I wrote a script full of emoticons, it would never get produced.
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