LOL

When people who are either dating you or are interested in dating you choose IM as a method of communication, they should be aware of a few things.

1. DO NOT use the following abbreviations more than twice: lol, rofl, omg, idk. Each of these proves that you are stupid, immature, lazy, or all three. Which, if I am dating you, makes me reconsider. Because I do not want a mate who is any of those things. How hard is it to type out real words? Really.

2. A good transition into cyber sex does NOT begin with "cyber sex?" In the real world, have you found any person willing to sleep with you after hearing the phrase "wanna fuck?" Although there really isn't such a thing as 'cyber making love' and no one can claim that action as the least bit romantic, there is still a sexy way to initiate it and a gross way. Asking for it straight out is gross.

3. If I take a minute or two to respond, PLEASE do not type the requisite "?" It is pushy and presumptive. Maybe I was in the bathroom. Or grabbing something out of the oven. Maybe I received a phone call. MAYBE, just MAYBE your ridiculous IM is not the most important thing in my life. The "?" is offensive. I will respond when and if I choose. Do not rush me.

4. Suggesting a date over IM is uncool. Really. I'm no traditionalist. I don't wish for love letters, flowers, or even the man to pick up the check. But I do think that a TYPED (email, text, or IM) date suggestion is mega lame. Call me. Seriously. If you expect me to give up a night to spend with just you, I expect you to give up 3 minutes to call me up and ask me for it. I certainly call YOU when I have a date suggestion.

5. Emoticons are gay. And I NEVER use the word gay in a derogatory manner unless it is REALLY called for. If you feel that your tone cannot be properly expressed by IM, then...oh, right. CALL ME. Or figure out a way to express yourself with your words. As a playwright, I can assure you that tone can always be determined by words alone. If I wrote a script full of emoticons, it would never get produced.