What is the deal with February?

I feel like all the women around me are in heat. I cannot tell you the number of women who have expressed to me a desire for a man in their lives right now if they don't have one. It's very strange. I mean, you could understand it before Valentine's Day I suppose since many single women feel pressure to be in love on that day. But we're past it. Summer is around the corner, which is traditionally a great time to be single, and yet a myriad of women are desperate for a carnal and/or romantic connection. I wonder why that is.

Astrology is a take it or leave it thing for me. I do believe I am a LEO all the way, but a lot of people don't match their signs and whatnot. And horoscopes are more often wrong than right. But if you are telling me that there isn't something astrological that affects us, especially as women, you are way wrong. Working in a bridal shop taught me to pay attention to the moon. Full moon days meant I would have nothing but crazy customers. And there are certain periods of time where I felt like either everyone was breaking up or everyone was getting together. It happens in tides. And it isn't necessarily seasonal.

You'd expect that people get cabin fever in the winter and wish for someone to cuddle. But the trends, if I had written them down, don't follow weather as much as you would think. There's some cosmic thing that must be happening. And currently, the cosmos is making women all a little randy and needy. Take notice, men! If you are in the market for a girlfriend, now's the time to pounce.

Cigarette Men

Bad men are to your heart what cigarettes are to your lungs.

That's it. That's the whole truth. There's something forbiddenly tempting about them but they kill you, slowly, all the while aging you. They are more tempting when you are drinking, and less so when you are at the gym, feeling healthy and good about yourself. They tend to be addicting, even though those close to you warn you repeatedly how dangerous they are. They appeal the most to people with an oral fixation.

The most difficult thing is quitting. When you try, something drags you back. Even though you are healthier, more independent, more attractive, etc. There's a piece of you that NEEDS that taboo infusion of coolness and adulthood.

but I have quit smoking both literally and metaphorically. So - GOOD MEN ONLY NEED APPLY. This here is a smart, cool, non-smoking chick with a talent for cooking and dancing.

LOL

When people who are either dating you or are interested in dating you choose IM as a method of communication, they should be aware of a few things.

1. DO NOT use the following abbreviations more than twice: lol, rofl, omg, idk. Each of these proves that you are stupid, immature, lazy, or all three. Which, if I am dating you, makes me reconsider. Because I do not want a mate who is any of those things. How hard is it to type out real words? Really.

2. A good transition into cyber sex does NOT begin with "cyber sex?" In the real world, have you found any person willing to sleep with you after hearing the phrase "wanna fuck?" Although there really isn't such a thing as 'cyber making love' and no one can claim that action as the least bit romantic, there is still a sexy way to initiate it and a gross way. Asking for it straight out is gross.

3. If I take a minute or two to respond, PLEASE do not type the requisite "?" It is pushy and presumptive. Maybe I was in the bathroom. Or grabbing something out of the oven. Maybe I received a phone call. MAYBE, just MAYBE your ridiculous IM is not the most important thing in my life. The "?" is offensive. I will respond when and if I choose. Do not rush me.

4. Suggesting a date over IM is uncool. Really. I'm no traditionalist. I don't wish for love letters, flowers, or even the man to pick up the check. But I do think that a TYPED (email, text, or IM) date suggestion is mega lame. Call me. Seriously. If you expect me to give up a night to spend with just you, I expect you to give up 3 minutes to call me up and ask me for it. I certainly call YOU when I have a date suggestion.

5. Emoticons are gay. And I NEVER use the word gay in a derogatory manner unless it is REALLY called for. If you feel that your tone cannot be properly expressed by IM, then...oh, right. CALL ME. Or figure out a way to express yourself with your words. As a playwright, I can assure you that tone can always be determined by words alone. If I wrote a script full of emoticons, it would never get produced.

Pick up lines

We all know the dumb ones "I lost my number, can I have yours?" and "Are you tired? Cuz you've been running through my mind all day" and etc. I don't know if people really use these. I've never heard very many used sincerely, that's for sure. However, the one that continues to be used, though it is no better than the others is "Do you like to party?"



Now, when I was 18, I think it bordered on acceptable to ask me that. I mean - it's never the best thing to say. Certainly long, meaningful relationships don't begin with the phrase 'do ya like to party?' but nevertheless, there is a time, an age, and a place where such a saying can be spoken.



But beyond that awkward party-all-the-time-to-prove-I'm-an-adult phase, that line is just purely insulting. The other night, a semi-cute semi-smart man that I was semi-interested in said that to me. Me who is 23. Me who is 3 months shy of having a master's degree. Maybe I'm being self-important but COME ON! I am worth so much more than that phrase. DO YOU LIKE TO PARTY? Really, dude, really??



And then, to add insult to injury, he followed that line with "we should chill later." WHO ARE YOU? What world are you living in that a woman would actually decide based on these phrases to spend quality time with you? Is it really so hard to say "I know this fabulous little Italian place. I would love to take you there for dinner sometime if you happen to be free."



You wouldn't walk into a job interview and say "yo, how bout hirin' me?" And you DON'T ask a potential date to "chill." At least, not if that potential date is ME.

the dating 5

So I have long believed that everyone's best friend should get together with the person they have started dating and explain the "rules" about dating that person. Because who knows better than your best friend?

Basically all people have about 5 "dealbreakers" and if you let these out on the first date, you could avoid a lot of pitfalls. However, it is somehow uncouth to express these in plain words. I don't know why.

My 5 rules - and anyone who knows me understands these - are
1. DON'T ever shush me. I am loud. I don't care. DON'T shush me.
2. Do not comment on my height. I'm tall and that can't change so shut up about it and don't make me feel like a freak.
3. Don't insult my art. Musical theater is beautiful and complicated and it is the TRUE love of my life. You will never come before it so just respect it.
4. Don't make me wait. I don't wait. I'm always on time and I hate people who feel they are more important than me which is what is implied when you are late.
5. I don't play games. You can know whatever you want. Just ask. And don't expect me to be coy. I don't do coy. If I like you, you know. If I don't, you know.

If a man expressed his 5 to me, I would be mighty grateful. Nice to know where the potholes are so you can avoid them.

What I know about MEN

Apparently, nothing. And it's strangely relieving.

I was having lunch with a dear friend the other day who is older and wiser than I, and for that reason I always seek her romantic advice. I was bitching about how awful men are and how miserable the dating scene can be and blah blah and she started giggling. She looked at me and said, "babe, you're 23. You don't know ANYTHING about men." Which is funny because that's exactly what I told my younger sister the other day. I was trying to explain exactly what was going to happen if she pursued this one man she's interested in and she was saying that I was wrong. But I've been down that path before so I KNOW what it looks like. I told her "hon, you're a freshman in college! You don't know ANYTHING about men."

And maybe none of us ever really will. But learning can be fun. It can be really miserable but it can be really fun.

I'm just glad that I have more to learn because what I know so far isn't super encouraging.

whipped cream - NOT a dirty post

So when a girl is single in NYC (oh god how Carrie Bradshaw is that statement!), she learns very quickly that the tried and true cure to heartache - ice cream - must have a substitute. After all, too much ice cream will simply ensure that there won't be even the opportunity for heartache in the future. Very important to find a low-calorie alternative.

behold cool whip in a can!! 5 calories per serving (about 200 per can) and the same glutonous effect.

I have to admit: it's on my shopping list more weeks than not. Very sad. Also very yummy.

I will know when I have found someone worth loving when he removes all whipped cream cravings from me. Until then, I am considering buying stock - that way I can consider my indulgence an investment.