Pick up lines

We all know the dumb ones "I lost my number, can I have yours?" and "Are you tired? Cuz you've been running through my mind all day" and etc. I don't know if people really use these. I've never heard very many used sincerely, that's for sure. However, the one that continues to be used, though it is no better than the others is "Do you like to party?"



Now, when I was 18, I think it bordered on acceptable to ask me that. I mean - it's never the best thing to say. Certainly long, meaningful relationships don't begin with the phrase 'do ya like to party?' but nevertheless, there is a time, an age, and a place where such a saying can be spoken.



But beyond that awkward party-all-the-time-to-prove-I'm-an-adult phase, that line is just purely insulting. The other night, a semi-cute semi-smart man that I was semi-interested in said that to me. Me who is 23. Me who is 3 months shy of having a master's degree. Maybe I'm being self-important but COME ON! I am worth so much more than that phrase. DO YOU LIKE TO PARTY? Really, dude, really??



And then, to add insult to injury, he followed that line with "we should chill later." WHO ARE YOU? What world are you living in that a woman would actually decide based on these phrases to spend quality time with you? Is it really so hard to say "I know this fabulous little Italian place. I would love to take you there for dinner sometime if you happen to be free."



You wouldn't walk into a job interview and say "yo, how bout hirin' me?" And you DON'T ask a potential date to "chill." At least, not if that potential date is ME.

the dating 5

So I have long believed that everyone's best friend should get together with the person they have started dating and explain the "rules" about dating that person. Because who knows better than your best friend?

Basically all people have about 5 "dealbreakers" and if you let these out on the first date, you could avoid a lot of pitfalls. However, it is somehow uncouth to express these in plain words. I don't know why.

My 5 rules - and anyone who knows me understands these - are
1. DON'T ever shush me. I am loud. I don't care. DON'T shush me.
2. Do not comment on my height. I'm tall and that can't change so shut up about it and don't make me feel like a freak.
3. Don't insult my art. Musical theater is beautiful and complicated and it is the TRUE love of my life. You will never come before it so just respect it.
4. Don't make me wait. I don't wait. I'm always on time and I hate people who feel they are more important than me which is what is implied when you are late.
5. I don't play games. You can know whatever you want. Just ask. And don't expect me to be coy. I don't do coy. If I like you, you know. If I don't, you know.

If a man expressed his 5 to me, I would be mighty grateful. Nice to know where the potholes are so you can avoid them.

What I know about MEN

Apparently, nothing. And it's strangely relieving.

I was having lunch with a dear friend the other day who is older and wiser than I, and for that reason I always seek her romantic advice. I was bitching about how awful men are and how miserable the dating scene can be and blah blah and she started giggling. She looked at me and said, "babe, you're 23. You don't know ANYTHING about men." Which is funny because that's exactly what I told my younger sister the other day. I was trying to explain exactly what was going to happen if she pursued this one man she's interested in and she was saying that I was wrong. But I've been down that path before so I KNOW what it looks like. I told her "hon, you're a freshman in college! You don't know ANYTHING about men."

And maybe none of us ever really will. But learning can be fun. It can be really miserable but it can be really fun.

I'm just glad that I have more to learn because what I know so far isn't super encouraging.

whipped cream - NOT a dirty post

So when a girl is single in NYC (oh god how Carrie Bradshaw is that statement!), she learns very quickly that the tried and true cure to heartache - ice cream - must have a substitute. After all, too much ice cream will simply ensure that there won't be even the opportunity for heartache in the future. Very important to find a low-calorie alternative.

behold cool whip in a can!! 5 calories per serving (about 200 per can) and the same glutonous effect.

I have to admit: it's on my shopping list more weeks than not. Very sad. Also very yummy.

I will know when I have found someone worth loving when he removes all whipped cream cravings from me. Until then, I am considering buying stock - that way I can consider my indulgence an investment.

and the WORST date award goes to...

so it's no secret I do the online dating thing; I mean, who doesn't? It serves up a really interesting bunch of people and some of the craziest experiences of my life. Very entertaining stuff. Also, if you read this blog, you know i have HARD SET rules about who I talk to and who I go out with. I developed these rules for a reason.

This week I broke them. And I realized how smart I am haha.

So this guy starts talking to me online. He seems GREAT! We have so much in common - I won't reveal too much about him because that would be cruel. But all of my crazy, strange interests are HIS too. One of my favorite books - which no one has ever heard of - is one of his. BUT...he has only one picture and it's blurry and ONLY of the face. Bad bad bad. But then he asked me to karaoke at my favorite place. Too much - can't resist - have to break the rules and go.

He shows up - omg. Cable knit sweater, icky haircut, Urkle glasses. AWFUL. We go inside. I'm kind of a VIP in this place so immediately the manager comes over and hugs me and all the regulars are greeting me. They immediately hand me the mic and ask what I wanna sing; the Boy looks at me with PANIC in his eyes. "can't we get a room? I can't sing in front of all these people." WHAT?! There are 10 people in the room. They're fun. They're my friends. But away we go to a secluded room by ourselves.

"ok, i have a lot to get off my chest. through song" He says. Then he sings UNCHAINED MELODY. Really. not lying. That was his first song. He didn't even let me go first and I paid for the room! And...well, he CANT sing. At all. And he "disguises" this by screaming words loudly. He's also dancing awkwardly....really awkwardly....

Then i get up to sing. My Alanis. My awesome girl rock. HE SINGS OVER ME! DURING MY SONG. He's literally out-screaming me. WTF?! I don't know how many of you sing karaoke but I'm very serious about it. And the NUMBER ONE rule is: you do NOT attempt to hijack another's singer's moment.

I quickly discover the only way to keep him from singing my songs is to sing obscure Broadway songs. So I do. And I don't give a shit. And he keeps choosing TERRIBLE songs and singing them badly. Meanwhile, I am knockin back shots of Sake like it's my job because it's the only way to keep going. And the sad thing is: I actually think HE thought it was going well because I was smiling so much (as I was holding back laughter). When the hour on our room was finally up (and I counted down every minute), he wanted to do ANOTHER hour and then get something to eat! I felt bad for the guy, but that's certainly no reason to continue a bad date.

So I got rid of him. And then JoBeth met me and we salvaged the evening by doing awesome karaoke at a different place hahaha.

Strippers

So I saw Rock of Ages on Broadway for the second time the other night. As previously mentioned, I'm under a contractual obligation not to discuss my opinions on shows online. However, I think it's pretty obvious that if I went twice, I must have enjoyed it the first time. And that's all I will say about that.

Any show you watch a second time, you have more of an opportunity to muse about because you already know what's happening. So I got to thinking: most of the women in the cast spend the show scantily clad, dancing on stripper poles. They are "playing" strippers. But what, really, is the difference between an actress and a stripper?? Most strippers ARE looking for a "legit" career in the arts. And most women with a "legit" career in the arts really enjoy playing strippers. Why? Because somehow there's no shame in PLAYING a stripper, especially if you are "really" a Broadway actress.

The women on that stage dress in lingerie, strip, and pole dance. And they get a paycheck for it. How is that not the same as stripping? Is it because it serves a plotline? Because they sing also? Or just because we, as a society, choose to stigmatize certain occupations and glorify other ones?

I tend to think it's the latter.

And, honestly, I don't really have a PROBLEM with strippers. If that's what you want to do and it pays the bills, it's really not my problem. But it's a little effed up to be disrespected generally for that decision where the broadway strippers are idolized. I really don't see a difference between the two.

therapy doesn't work

so i'm paying out of my ass for all this therapy to make myself a more...i dunno...happy? person.

it's not working.

See, I get to this place where I can notice all this repeating destructive patterns in my life, only I'm not STOPPING them. I keep doing the same stupid thing over and over. The difference now is that i can see how it's the same mistake again. So in addition to feeling shitty, I also feel STUPID.

that's all therapy really does.

i think it's better to be ignorant about your own behavior. yup. just DO it and don't think about it and you will be fine. All this "enlightenment" bullshit is a waste of time.